Matthew

A part of me hesitates to write this post.  I have blogged about it before.  It seems by now EVERYBODY has heard our story.  Yet.....I can't not write.  I can't not share.  God has used it so much in my life.  My claim to fame is my 5 kids....people are simply amazed that we have 5 kids.....but what some don't know is that we actually have 6. 

Often people will comment on the age difference in Andrew (almost 14) and Sophie (8).  They wonder why we waited so long to have another child.  We didn't wait.  We did have another.  His name was Matthew.  It means a gift from God.  Matthew is perhaps the most beautiful gift God has given me.  He was precious. 

I was fully pregnant.  Just a few short weeks from my due date.  I was ripe with child.  I was ready.  The room was powder blue.  The crib was assembled.  The clothes were washed and ironed and hung.  We had taken Andrew to class on how to adjust to being a big brother.  I obviously had more time back then!  we had picked out his name.  Matthew, after my brother.  Douglas, after Randy's father.  His name was perfect.  It fit well with Andrew.  It had meaning, a gift from God.  It was a family name.  It sounded important.  He was important.

Then he stopped moving.  I met the doctor at the hospital.  It was a Wednesday.  It was February 7.  My baby was dead.  Babies shouldn't die.  I was 25.  I didn't know it could happen.  I didn't know babies died....that happened to our grandmothers.....that happened long ago.  That happened to babies with problems.  In other countries....or to mothers who didn't take care of themselves.  Not me.  That didn't happen to young, healthy, Americans.   Until it did. 

They induced labor.  The contractions came quickly.  I labored.  My body felt searing pain....yet nothing compared to my soul.  Anguish.  My body did not want to let him go.  I labored over 48 hours.  Long. Hard. Painful....labor with no reward.  Matthew was dead.  No cry.  No heartbeat. No reason.  Nothing was wrong with him.  He had a knot in his cord.  That was it.  A knot.  Why?  My soul screamed within me....WHY?

My body was left Exhausted.  Beaten.  Barron.  Empty.  My soul was left hemorrhaging....WHY?

I held him.  I bathed him in my tears.  I kissed him.  His Daddy held him.  We stroked his wisp of brown hair.  We marveled at how he looked like Andrew.  So small.  So beautiful.  We loved him.  We buried him.  Coffins should not come so small.  We wept.  We wondered.  We wandered.  We sought answers.  We longed for comfort.

Platitudes......
"at least you have another one at home.".....yes at least we do....but I WANT HIM!

"you're young....you can have more."......yes I can.....but I WANT HIM!

"God has a purpose in this"....yes he does.....but I WANT HIM!

"God won't give you more then you can handle.".....well he has....I WANT HIM....I WANT MY BABY!

Then.....Sweet Linda.....Balm to my soul.

"I'm so sorry."  ....."I am so so so so Sorry."

She fed us.....she loved us.....she prayed for us.....she was just sorry to see us hurt.

Then.....Sweet Jesus......through years and through his word.....and through his people.....
Brought Beauty......Beauty from the Ashes.

Matthew Douglas Stewart.......I'll love him forever.....and he truly is a gift straight from God.

I'll hold you heaven!