Becoming

How we spend our moments, is how we spend our lives. I wish I had taken captive my moments when I was 20....but hey, 49 is better than never! I didn't really know about the importance of rhythms, habits, discipline. But I'm learning. I'm becoming. I've been working on these for a couple years now. I'm getting better. They are becoming more a part of my life. It's the rhythms that I am trying to create. In Justin Whitmel Earley's book, "The Common Rule Habits of Purpose for an age of Distraction" he said, "to fully understand habits you must think of habits as liturgies. A liturgy is a pattern of words or actons repeated regualry as a way of worship." I love this. Rhythms of prayers; morning, noon, and night-knees bent, head bowed remembering and anchoring myself to the source of life and meaning. Morning rhythms; water, vitamins, pilates, coffee, and quiet time all before phone. Rhythms of the table; that invite outsiders in-nightly dinners, communion, student table fellowship lunches, Sunday family lunches with extras, and Home Fellowship meals with my church family. I see a shared table as a way to be what Earley calls a, "light of presence in a dark culture of loneleness". Rhythms of presence; fullness of presence-focused presence; which means I must master my smartphone. I must turn it off. I must delete the apps that rob me of my time, my focus, my attention, my life. I want to be where my feet are. Fully focused, completely engaged-present. I must become comfortable with boredom and silence. Stare at the wall, have a book in my purse, watch people. Avoid distraction and the constant quest of being entertained. Rhythms of relationships; Tuesday coffee with Christi, Monday, monthly Mom Talk. Sunday night home fellowship at the Winn's; periodic couples date night with the Mangum's and Tilley's. Holiday celebratons with extended family. Rhythms of health; walking a mile a day, eating protein focused meals, being in the sunshine, drinking water. Rhythms of home maintenance; chores, meal prep, errands, laundry, car care, work, planning, writing, dishes. Rhythms of rest; Sunday nap, early bedtime, DEAR (drop-everything-and-read) time at school and after lunch walks at school. I'm becoming a disciplined person. I'm becoming a student of the moments of my life. I'm seeing my habits as my liurgies. I'm slowly becoming more of who Christ created me to be.

The Crushing Grace of God

NOTE: This post was originally written March 8, 2025....I just posted it on 7/8/25 It's birthday season at our house! The twins turned nineteen last month,

Andrew turned 27 last week,

Audrey will be 18 next month,

and then Sophia will be 22 in May

and Randy will be 50 in June,

which means I am not far behind! Where is time going? I blink and I haven't blogged in two years! This morning I was feeling a little sad, because I am supposed to be in Pennsylvania with Randy visiting Andrew and Vicky for his birthday and I'm not. I'm here recovering from the flu. So as I moped around the house this morning I decided to read Paul David Tripp's New Morning Mercies and he said so eloquently, "We all need to encourage one another with the theology of uncomfortable grace, because this side of eternity, God's grace often comes to us in uncomfortable forms. It may not be what you and I want, but it is precisely what we need. God is faithful; he will use the brokeness of the world that is your present address to complete the loving work of personal transformation that he has begun. Now, that's grace." I love this. It is so true. I can't go through birthday season without thinking of Matthew. Matthew would have been 24. What an absolute, loving, grace of God that He wrecked my life with the love and the loss of Matthew. So this is my encouragement to you; don't waste your suffering. God is allowing it-with knowledge, with love, with purpose, for a reason. Unfortunately, loss and suffering and hard times and my own sinfulness seem to be the context of my most precious growth and learning. So my friends if this is a season of hurt and loss and unimaginable pain take hold of the hope of Jesus Christ. He IS faithful. Someone sent me this song on February 10, It's called Flowers. It was a good reminder for me. "So I brought it up in a desperate prayer Lord, why are you keeping me here? Then He said to me Child, I'm planting seeds I'm a good God, and I have a good plan So trust that I'm holding a watering can And someday you'll see That flowers grow in the valley When I'm on the mountain and looking down below I'll see a valley of flowers that needed time to grow And I'll thank you for the rain The hurt and days of pain And I'll bring it up in a grateful prayer Thank you, Jesus, for keeping me there You know just what I need And you've planted seeds Cause you're a good God with a real good plan And you hold my world and a watering can So I can have peace. Cause flowers grow in the valley" I would have chosen a different plan. But He didn't-and I can say without a doubt He IS faithful and He IS good. Sometimes His graciuos will is to wreck our lives and crush our dreams. Yet, he has a purpose and we may not understand it fully until we reach heaven, but then we will know fully and be known fully. Oh, I can't wait to see the beautiful tapestry of lives wrecked in the loving hand and with the loving knowledge of Christ. What beautiful stories and testimonies he is writing. If you don't know the story of Matthew; it's here on the blog....look for posts in February and you'll find it!

Red Sea Road

 Sometimes life catches me so off guard in a way that leaves me breathless.  It's only the second week of February and I feel like I've aged a decade this year!  I'm so glad God goes before me.  I'm so glad God is faithful.  It has been a hard start to 2023.  I must say that, nonetheless, I have been so overwhelmed in the midst of it all with God's goodness and sovereignty.  While life catches me off guard it does not catch Him off guard.  God knew EXACTLY the road I would be walking in these weeks and months and He prepared the way and walked before me in a way that is so sweet, so personal, and so precious to me.  He is indeed good.  

One of the ways I see His goodness to me is in a Spotify Playlist  from my friend, Christi.  She had this idea for us to make a playlist for our daughters about "Holding onto Hope" when life doesn't go our way.  The girls were awaiting college decisions and we knew things may not go their way.  Their hopes were pinned on being admitted to some tough schools.  So Christi sent me this playlist and this huge compellation of scriptures she had gathered for the girls and she encouraged me to add to it, so we would have it for the girls if they had to deal with disappointment.  Well.....turns out the girls didn't need it.  They were very happy with their news about schools.....but I know now that God placed this in her heart and has used it to minister to mine.  This playlist and these scriptures have literally been a lifeline to my heart as I hold on to hope.  Thank you God!

That playlist has played for hours and ministered to my heart in ways nothing else has.....

"Red Sea Road" Lyrics

"We will sing, to our souls

We won't bury our hope

Where He leads us to go 

There's a red sea road

When we can't see the way

He will part the waves

And we'll never walk alone

Down a red sea road.......

Oh help us to  believe

You are faithful.  You're faithful

When our hearts are breaking

You are faithful, You're faithful

Oh grant us eyes to see

You are faithful.  You're faithful

Teach us to sing

You are faithful, You're faithful, You're faithful."

Or "Into the Sea" Lyrics

"My heart is breaking 

In a way I never thought it could

My mind is racing

With the question, "Are you still good?"

From the wreckage

Would you take this heart

And make it whole again?

Though the mountains may be moved into the sea

Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way

I can hear my Father singing over me

It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay"

Deep breath.  It will be okay.  Here's the cool thing though.....not only did the Lord provide this musical truth as a balm for my soul through my sweet friend, but I've been in the Word on my annual Bible reading plan....and guess what I'm reading....Exodus....Hello Red Sea...and guess who went before the Israelites....who led them.....who provided food in the desert...who was faithful when they were faithless.....YES, it was the Lord and He will go before me too!  He will lead me too.  He will feed me too.  He will absolutely be enough.  

A few more lyrics...."Sovereign Over Us"

"There is strength within the sorrow

There is beauty in our tears

And you meet us in our mourning

With a love that cast out fear

You are working in our waiting

You're sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding 

You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love 

You are sovereign over us"

This theme of the faithfulness of God has been on repeat in my life.  He is faithful.  He will be faithful.  He is working.  He can be trusted.  Trusting His sovereignty and resting in His faithfulness and waiting for Him to finish the work He's begun.  I have NO idea what the rest of this year holds, but praise God the one who hold's it is faithful and can be trusted to provide a way.  He goes before us.  He plants us in churches and in families with people who encourage us, pray for us, bring us meals, and listen to our heartaches.  He gives us his word, which is new every morning.  It really is going to be okay.  He is working out his beautiful plan and he will be glorified and there will be some breaking and burning and heartache along the way......but it will be okay.  He IS faithful.

A Look Back

I always enjoy looking back at the year.  I usually have to do it with pictures, because otherwise I can't quite remember what happened when.  There were good times and there were bad times.  I'm thankful for another year with our family and for God's faithfulness in the good and in the bad.

January was uneventful, filled with basketball and work and daily life.  The older I get the more thankful I am for the normal and uneventful days.  

February-The twins turned 16 and Audrey got her braces off.  Both of which were cause for celebration.

(the champagne was a gift from our orthodontist after our 5th graduated from braces!  Audrey did not drink it.)

March-Andrew turned 24. Sophia went to Charleston with a friend for spring break.  Andrew completed his triathlon in Wilmington.  

April-Audrey turned 15 and we pulled off a fun surprise party for her.  We celebrated Easter with the family at Nanny and Pa's.  Randy reached his goal of running 10,000 miles. 

May-Sophia turned 19.  She moved home for the summer.  Jackson and Lydia went to the prom with a fun group of friends.  Lydia competed in the Rambling Rose triathlon.  Jackson started working as a swim coach at Eno.

June-We celebrated Randy's 47th birthday.  The Crabtree family had a fun trip to Sugar Mountain.  We went white water rafting and hiking.  Randy and I tried to get away for a late anniversary trip, which ended up being cut short because some of the kids had COVID at camp.  Jackson, Lydia, and Audrey went to youth camp at Black Mountain and Sophia went as a chaperone.  Lydia and Audrey both found out they made the varsity volleyball team for Flight.

July-Kids came home from camp sick.  Andrew ruptured his patellar tendon and had to have surgery.  He moved into our house to recuperate and Sophia moved into his apartment so that he could have her room.  Jackson had the swim championship meet.  Jackson also got a major haircut.

August-Jackson and Lydia started taking classes at Durham Tech.  We had a lake day with the Stewarts.  I started my 3rd year teaching 3rd grade at Voyager.  Randy and I celebrated our 26th anniversary.  We moved Sophia into her first apartment at UNCW.  One of our young drivers totaled our car, "Sparkie". Praise the Lord nobody was injured.  Audrey tried out for several club volleyball teams.

September-We celebrated my 47th birthday.  Sophia and Aubrey went sky diving.  We went on a family beach trip.  I took the girls to Gatlinburg for the National Homeschool Volleyball Tournament.  Lydia had her volleyball senior night.

October-Kids went to Camp Caraway.  Lydia began her new job at Foster's.  Basketball started gearing up and volleyball started wrapping up.  Sophia started having severe unexplained bruising.  

November-Mom and Dad completed the beach house!!!  Dad was diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma. We celebrated mom's birthday. Sophia diagnosed as having terribly low iron and scheduled for first of 3 iron infusions.  Crabtree family beach trip for Thanksgiving.  Randy and Jackson hit by a drunk driver.  The car was totaled, Jackson had a concussion, and Randy had injured legs.  The drunk driver fled the scene of the accident.  Jackson and Randy missed work and Jackson also missed a lot of basketball and school, but thankfully they are healing!

November was tough.  

December-Dad begins chemo treatment.  Went on day trip to Wilmington to see Unchambered. Audrey nominated co-captain of her club volleyball team. Celebrated Christmas with both sides of the family. Our niece, Emoni, is engaged to her boyfriend Andre!   We went to the beach to ring in the new year.  Jackson is slowly returning to school, work, and basketball.  Randy still struggling to run and continues to have leg pain. 

So here's to 2023.  My prayer is that we will grow in godliness and that we would know Christ better.  I also pray for healing and health.  I'm so thankful for the people God has brought into our family this past year and for the amazing memories and moments we've shared as a family.  God has been very good to us.

Smallness

 One thought I keep having as I contemplate  idea of BECOMING is the idea of smallness.  I remember as a little girl lip singing to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson with my hairbrush into my bedroom mirror.  I was on point.  I was all in and gave it 100%.  I had every word down.  I could work a crowd!  I imagined the crowds, the cheers, the glitz, the glamour, and the fame.  Well the good Lord in his wisdom did not bless me with a singing voice, so fame eluded me.  The thing is.....why would I even want to be famous?  What even is the point?  I stumbled across a book title, while listening to a podcast this summer.  I have not read the book, however I do want to.  The title was, Famous at Home.  It resonated.  I do want that.  I want to be well known at home.  I want to be adored and loved and accepted at home and I want that for my people.  I want our home to be their stage.  I want them to feel important, loved, adored, known, and desired and seen in our home.  

So for me as I enter this next phase of life I want to focus on the daily.  I want to major on the small things.  I want to cook the meals.  I want to eat the meals with them around the table.  I want to pile on the couch and all watch Survivor.  I want to hear about their days, their thoughts, their annoyances, their dreams, and their plans.  I want to know what they love and what the want and what bothers them.  I want to be a hugger......I'm not.....but I am BECOMING one.

So these are the things I want to remember as my roles change.  I want to present when they need me.  I want to listen.  I want to be dependable.  I want to love, even when they are not very loveable.  Smallness matters.  The unseen is seen.  The daily counts. 

Becoming

 I can't believe I started this blog over 12 years ago.  It's been years since I blogged regularly, but I am thinking about starting back.  When I began blogging it was a way to remember.  When I stopped, it was to preserve my kids privacy.  I am so thankful that I chronicled what I did, because I honestly don't remember a lot of it.  It went by fast!  Blogging was a way for me to process the onslaught and at times what felt like trauma of motherhood!  Now, I feel like I am on the brink of unemployment.  In 1-2-3 years, really less.......because it's October....and they tend to leave in August....my life is going to walk out the door.  Then what?

When this blog started Andrew was 12.....and now he's 24 and has a college education, graduate degree, career and his own apartment and bought himself a car.....and I'm definitely not parenting him anymore!  Sophia is now in her junior year of college.....a junior?!?  She will be graduating with a degree in communications next year.....and be an official adult.  I still parent her a little, but that role is definitely changing and definitely is not daily.  Lydia was just 4 when the blog started and now she is about to graduate a year early from high school and fly the coop!  She is so ready, but I don't think I am.  She's been busy with school, and ACT prep, college applications, her job, volleyball, and her people.....and I've been busy trying to hang on. I feel like I've been robbed of a year with my precious girl.  Jackson will graduate right on time, next year.  Then I won't have any more basketball games to cheer for or drive to and I LOVE basketball games.....and in 2 short years there will be no more late night requests for butter noodles and last minute requests to iron clothes.  The house will be cleaner, but it will also be quieter, he brings so much energy. Then Audrey, my sweet baby girl who was only 3 when the blog started....and yes, she still adores our dog and her blanket, but now she has her permit and does her own laundry and keeps our kitchen stocked with deserts.  In less then 3 years Audrey will graduate...and then...no more volleyball....  No one to remind to use their manners at the dinner table......no more crazy antics.....no one to mimic the way I talk.....No more chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips.  Three short years and I'm done with my daily job.  My life work......Over.  1-2-3, don't blink!  

And friends....the days were so S-L-O-W.....but the years....Where on earth have the years gone?

So much of my world and my life has been wrapped up in being a mom.  I wanted to be a Mama since I was a tiny little girl and I've spent the last 24 1/2 years living that dream and my whole world is about to be rocked and honestly I don't think I'm ready.  I LOVE this phase of parenting.  The kids can do their own laundry and school and make their own food and have good conversations and interesting points of view and they bring all these amazing friends and people into our home and lives.  It's just a fun, yet very expensive, season of life.  I love going to the games and hearing about the parties and listening to them blare music and sing loud and laugh and dress up and dance.  The wrecking cars and broken hearts and big emotions and full schedules are tough....but I have a feeling the empty and the quiet and the simple is going to be even tougher.  But heaven knows I better get ready!  Ready or not, here it comes!

One thing I wasn't prepared for when Andrew left, was that I didn't just lose Andrew.  I lost Andrew's people.  His friends and their families and teammates and their moms.  We had formed a tribe and when Andrew left I no longer saw these people and I missed them.  I missed the shared meals and cheering and crossing of paths.  Change is tough.

So this phase of the Mother Load is likely going to look a bit different.  It's going to be a journey to becoming me.  You see I got married while I was still in college.  I was 20 years old and I love Randy, and my decisions and I would not change a thing, but I was young....and I was a wife and finishing up college and after only 11 months of marriage, I was pregnant with Andrew and 9 months later at 22 I was a mom, and then at 25 I lost a baby and my world was shattered, and at 27 I had another baby, and at 30 I had two more babies, and at 31 I had another baby....and I was swimming in crying babies, and diapers, and bottles, and cooking, and laundry, and cleaning, and training, and schooling, and grieving....and now.....Whew!  It has BLOWN by.....and here we are.  

I'm 47 years old and I am almost finished with the every day parenting that I have LOVED...and I'm not even really sure who I am apart from being a mom....I mean yes I have other roles; wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, maid, libero tracker :)..and yes I'll always be their mom.... but that role is changing.  So I'm going to take some time and figure out who I am and what I love.  

At 47 with gray hair and grown children I do feel a little late to the game, but I am excited about BECOMING who God created me to be in this next phase.  I feel like I spent a lot of my early years reacting and responding and making it through the days.  There was not a ton of time for self-reflection.  This I know; I was created to be their mom and it has literally been the greatest joy of my life.....but I know there is more.  I'm not done, just because my job is wrapping up a bit.  So now.....I'm going to try to figure it out!  And no, I'm not bailing on the last 3 years....I'm all in.  I'm going to savor it all, but I just don't want to be totally slayed come August 2025....So here's to BECOMING Kim.....

How?  I'm not exactly sure.....but welcome to the journey!

February 10

 Tomorrow Jackson and Lydia turn 16.  How can this be?  Friday, we will head off to the DMV for 2 drivers licenses?  If life had been different, tomorrow Matthew would have been 21.  An official adult.  I would be celebrating all three of these precious lives.  Toasting our making it to Matthew's adulthood.  I would have 21 years of hugs, kisses, fevers, sports, scraped knees, schooling, driving, people, and memories.....I often wonder what he would have been like.....hard working, academic, funny, a handful?  Some years I wonder more than other years.  This year I wondered a lot.

Randy and I were 26.  We had a precious three year old, Andrew.  I was very pregnant with our much anticipated Matthew.  One day, right near the end....Matthew stopped moving.  I rushed to the doctor, we heard a heartbeat....false alarm.....or at least that is what I thought.  They said near the end there is just not enough room for a lot of movement.....okay....but as I waited and waited, I felt nothing.  I called the doctor again.  They told me to come to the hospital, it was after hours.  They couldn't find a heartbeat.  They quickly ordered an ultrasound. That's when I saw him.  He was there, but there was no flashing.  Something was wrong.  The room was quiet.  I was confused.  It took me a minute to realize what everyone else already knew.  Then came the wailing.  The screaming.  The heartbreak.  My baby was dead.  

I've always asked a lot of questions.....ask my family!  The questions began.....

How will he get out?            Labor.

How will I go into labor if my baby is dead.  It will just happen if you want to wait, or we can induce labor.

Will it still hurt?    Yes.

Why did this happen?  What went wrong?  Does this happen much?  Will the baby be black and decayed?  Are you going to just throw him away?  Can I see him?  Do I have too?  Can you do a C-section and just knock me out?  

Dr. Fried sat for hours and answered question after question after question.  

They began the induction that night.  It was a Wednesday.  I started having contractions on Thursday and finally gave birth to our precious Matthew on a Saturday afternoon, February 10 at Durham Regional.  There was no screaming, except from me.....no rushing, no congratulations, no good job, Mama....just a lot of tears and pain and quiet.  

There were also some answers.  He had a "true knot" in his umbilical cord.  He was not decayed.  He was a fully formed baby.  We held him.  I examined his finger and toes and fuzzy little head.  His name had been picked out for a long time.  Matthew-a gift from God.  Should we change his name?  I wondered.  It was such a good name.  We loved it.  Now we could never have a living child named Matthew.  I talked to my brother, whom he was named after.  I wondered if he wanted us not to use it anymore.  This didn't feel like much of a gift.  After much thought and some discussion we decided he would always be Matthew.  A gift from God.  Little did we know that day in the hospital, what a gift he would be.  

The days after losing Matthew were a blur.  We went to the circus.  That was surreal.  Life went on, I kept thinking nobody here knows I had a dead baby yesterday.  So much joy and sparkles and life and I felt dead and empty and broken.  Then there a funeral with this miniature casket.  We sang, "It is Well with my Soul."  All the church ladies brought food and sent sweet cards and I read my Bible.  I was in Job.  "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised."  It stuck.  It fit.  It kept reverberating in my brain and then to my heart.  It became my mantra.  I knew in this moment I would either turn to God or turn away.  Praise God he drew me to himself.  Then in the Psalms came this strange verse; "Know that the LORD has set apart the faithful for Himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him.  Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be silent."  

The "on your bed and be silent" felt like a direct order to keep my mouth shut.  I was asked to share about my loss with a few women's groups at church.   I didn't really understand, but this verse always popped into my mind and I always felt the need to say no.  I didn't know then what God was about to do.  

It had been a journey filled with much healing and spiritual growth and some answers and more questions.  We had another little girl, Sophia.  She was the apple of our eye, and spoiled rotten.  The doctors were wrong.  They had told us a knot in the umbilical was a freak accident and it would never happen again.  Despite almost weekly ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy with Sophia, it did happen again.  Sophia was born with a knot in her umbilical cord and it was wrapped around her neck twice.  Yet she lived.  The knot did not kill Matthew.  God in his loving sovereignty allowed for Matthew to die and Sophia to live.  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised.

We always wanted a bunch of kids, so we were excited to find out we were expecting again.  Andrew was 7 and Sophia was 2 and we were so happy.  Then we found out we were not expecting 1 baby, but we were expecting 2!  They were due in March.  My pregnancy history had me flagged as high risk from the beginning and because we were having twins they continued to follow me very closely.  I was to report anything unusual.  So on February 9, after a day of shopping and having Andrew and Sophia's pictures taken, I was home getting them bathed and ready for bed and noticed my feet were the size of a tree trunks.  I thought it was probably nothing but called the doctor because they were so interested in everything.  The doctor said to meet him at the hospital.  We dropped the kids at my mom's and headed to the hospital, with a bag-just in case.  I was whisked to labor and delivery where they quickly determined my blood pressure was through the roof and the only thing that would help was for the babies to be delivered....now.  Jackson was breech and it was early and my blood pressure was so high they felt a C-section was the safest route.  So they quickly prepped me.  It was late.  Just before midnight.  at 12:19 on February 10 Jackson was born and one minute later Lydia was born.  They were screaming.  It was February 10.....I was in the same hospital I had been in 5 years earlier, to the day.  That day the room had been so quiet.  Today there was so much bustling and crying and noise.  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised.  God has removed our sackcloth and changed our mourning into joy.

So much time has passed.  So much healing has happened.  So much growth.  This  year the loss in that hospital room 21 years ago is a little fresher.  You see it happened to this sweet young couple at our church.  They lost a baby that was about to be born.  The mom and dad invited me into their hospital room.  I got to meet their sweet girl.  She was real.  She existed.  She was precious.  As I held her my arms ached with the weight of her and my heart ached with the knowledge of the journey I knew her sweet parents were embarking upon.  I missed Matthew anew.  I had trouble sleeping for a few days.  Infant loss, especially preborn infant loss is a loss people can't quiet see and don't quiet understand.  It's uncomfortable.  But it is real.  I held her and I held him and they were real.  Very, very, real.

But let me tell you what else is real.  God is real.  He is in the details.  He took a day that meant nothing to the world, but meant everything to Randy and I.  A day marked with loss and sadness and he redeemed it as only he could.  He gave us a double portion of his goodness.  Jackson and Lydia were not given to replace Matthew, but God has used the date "coincidence" to sooth a Mama heart and to remind me, he sees, he knows, he plans, he orchestrates.  None of it....the good or the bad is an accident.  God gives and God takes away....may His name forever be praised. I no longer feel compelled to be silent.  Rather I feel compelled to share about the goodness of a loving God who in his kindness to me both gives and takes away.  I don't understand the big picture of all God is doing when he allows bad things to happen, but I do know that God uses bad for our good.  I know him better and I love him more than I would have if I had never lost Matthew.  I wish it could have been different.  I wish tomorrow was a celebration of 3 of my most favorite people.  But I can truly say that Mathew was indeed, "A gift from God".   

Day 3 & 4 & 5 & 6

Well this whole quarantine mess is for the birds!  We all feel great so it has become super challenging to stay home.  The days are boring and pretty much the same so I haven't felt the need to write much about it.  The kids sleep in.  They usually wakeup and go for a drive, just to get out of the house.  Then they come home and try to be a bit productive.  Then they have a pattern of scrolling their phone, watching TV, reading, playing volleyball in the backyard, "swimming" in our blow up pool on the deck, making something.......cakes......

candles.......

we have a family dinner and usually take Audrey to practice her driving.......

Another cool thing is the kids.....mostly Jackson....have been writing a TV show with some friends. Jackson has spent hours on it! I have never seen him enjoy writing so much! I'm going to try to get some pictures of him in the coming days! 

Its not bad at all.....it's just a lot of sameness.....

I will say  a few good things.....I'm trying to form a habit of walking as soon as I wake up each morning.  I will make up any reason at all to not work out.  I hate working out!  I feel so good after though.  So I'm waking up and heading outside to walk for 30 minutes and then getting on with my day.  It's hard to make excuses when we have nothing going on and no where to be, so hopefully I can form the habit during this time and it will stick!

Another highlight of my morning is that I have come up with a coffee concoction that I'm thinking may meet my coffee needs.  You see.....I like my coffee sweet and creamy and not high in calories.  Its a problem.  1 T of French vanilla creamer has 35 calories......I like about 3 T.......it makes it sweet enough and the right color.  But that is more calories then I want in 1 cup of coffee.......So today I tried 1T. of creamer with my coffee, plus 1 Splenda and 3 T. of 2%milk.  It was the right color and sweetness!  I feel a lot better about 43 calorie coffee than I did about 105 calorie coffee.  Its not quiet a good, but definitely acceptable!

Oh and in other news.....the blueberries are almost ready to pick!  I'm trying to get them before the birds do!

Day 2

 I slept in until 7:00 which was nice.  I woke up and had coffee and chatted with Randy a bit.  Looked some at our banking and then signed Audrey up for some high school homeschool classes.  Planned  out how to spend the day.

The kids started waking up and I checked them all for symptoms.....Sophia said she feels slightly congested.  Nobody has a fever.  Jackson slept super late and says he feels like he's getting sick.  He does not sound good.  I started my laundry.  

I deep cleaned the living room.  Cleaned everything....windows, cabinets, picture frames.  It smells good.

I should probably clean more often.  Texted friends. Worked on third grade supply list for next year.  

Made nachos and corn dogs for lunch. Then I spent some time on the hammock reading Deadline.  I took a very short nap and was awoken by a commotion on the back deck.  The girls were vibing in the pool we set up on the back deck.  They are so much fun! Sophia has on a face mask. Lydia repurposed my serving tray has a floating snack holder!

Then I deep cleaned our entryway and did a load of dishes.  

Spent some time proof-reading Sophia's final paper for her Congressional Award!!!!! She's so close to done! Ordered my fourth book this week. Deep cleaned out dining room.

Then the health department called with lots of questions....answered some, not all. They were nice and informative.  Andrew and I do not have to quarantine, because we are vaccinated.  We can work and shop and run errands.  

I talked to a couple friends and family members.  Sophia decided to make homemade tortillas for dinner.  YUMMY!

Randy took Jackson and Audrey to practice driving and I watched Andrew, Sophia, and Lydia played a bit of volleyball.  

Then we ate ice cream and watched some TV and went to bed.

Day 1

 I woke up early, around 4:20am, to the dog vomiting.....Nice.  After that I was not able to go back to sleep so I cleaned that up and made coffee.  I started the dishes that were not started last night and picked up stray cans that were littering the den.  Then I sat down to begin this long neglected blog.  

I ordered another book.  Evidently quarantine has birthed a house full of readers.....Then I began to plan. It didn't take long.....planning for what we are not going to do.  Planning for appointments to cancel and meals to make....

I decided to make blueberry lemon scones....and drink more coffee.  Randy and I talked and scrolled our devices.....made exciting plans to save up for a new air conditioner for the downstairs.....we are hoping we have a year or two left on this one.  

Then I got dressed for my big day at home.  I chose my "jungle" shorts because they have a fun vacation vibe and threw on earrings and sunglasses to the top my head....it is looking a bit overcast.  I made my bed and tidied up the downstairs and my bedroom.  It's only 7:00......I think I'm going to read a bit.

I'm reading Deadline  by Randy Alcorn. I like it.

The kids started waking up and we made some bacon and eggs to go with the scones.  After breakfast we laid around a bunch and played on our phones, watched TV, and talked.  

Then I made some tuna salad for lunch

I was exhausted and took a nap....

After naps we decided to homeschool Audrey in the fall too.  Jackson was pulled out of virtual school in the winter to homeschool and it has been great!  Since I work full time now homeschool will look very different than it did in our early years.  But Randy can work from home now and we can hire out all the classes so we started looking at options.  

I went for a COVID test.  Just to be sure.  I'm vaccinated, but wanted to be sure.  My test was negative.

I let Audrey practice driving in a nearby neighborhood.

Then we went for a walk at the river behind our house.  That was fun.  

We ordered Sushi for dinner and had a family movie night: Greenland.

Then it was bedtime.  Day 1 was pretty good.

Day 0

 Well we've had a goodish week.  I've been working at the summer Read to Achieve camp at my school and running kids here and there and nursing broken hearts, and cleaning house, and planning for camp and vacations and dinner.  I got to have dinner out with some girl friends and I ordered a new book we are going to read through together, I've gone shopping for camp.  I've cheered at swim meets and sat around the pool trying to learn to parent better and how to not simply survive 4 teenagers.  Kids have had sleepovers, worked VBS, been to the pool, played basketball, had friends over until all hours of the night, babysat, cut peoples grass, gone out to eat.....basically we've been all over Durham, with all of our favorite people.

Then.....we found out we were exposed to COVID.

We decided late Saturday to have the kids tested for COVID, because we learned that a couple of the kids had been exposed.  So the kids, who were asymptomatic, were tested yesterday.  Three kids were negative, one kid and I are vaccinated and asymptomatic and were not exposed, so we did not test.  One child tested positive.  

So begins our quarantine..

Once we found out yesterday, we notified everyone that child had been in direct contact with in the previous days.  It was tearful and it was tough.  We sat on the porch and spent a lot of time on the phone.  We processed what this quarantine would mean for our family.  We notified our church and our employers.  We mourned the loss of our much anticipated summer camp.  We brainstormed ideas of what we could do during quarantine.  We analyzed each sniffle and each headache.  We ordered another book.  We prayed we would all be well for vacation and senior trip.  We counted the blessing of having a beautiful spacious home and yard to quarantine in.  We canceled appointments.  A few angry insults were lobbed.  Correction was offered.  Hugs were given.  Goodnights were said.  Everyone retreated to their rooms and cocooned in, sad and sorry and wondering what our week would hold.

Audrey

 Friday, December 18th was an exciting day at our house.  It was the last day of school for the semester.  I love last days of school as much as the kids do.  Last days mean rest, they mean a break, they mean no alarms, they mean time with family.  I was pumped!  I went to school early.  I only had a half day!  My class had a "virtual class party" with hot cocoa, crafts, movie, game, and gifts. It was fun.  I told the kids goodbye and how excited I was to see them in the new year.  I have the BEST class this year.  They are smart, kind, funny, and their parents rock! I AM excited to see them in the new year.  I am ready for life to get back to normal and see them in the classroom too!  

Anyway, I quickly finished up at school and headed home.  I had a party to prepare for.  One of my kids was having a handful of buddies over to hang out and I was helping prep for that and I was preparing for the big Stewart Christmas party that I was hosting on Saturday.  It was a fun evening and Randy and I ended the evening with a house full of laughing teens and a fun game of Dutch Blitz with Audrey.  After the house cleared out we did a quick partial cleanup, deciding to leave what we could to the morning.  It was late and we were tired, so we all went to sleep.  Tomorrow was going to be a full and fun day.  At least that was the plan.

Then early Saturday morning, it was 5:40 to be exact, we were roused by Audrey coming in our room crying.  Her shoulder was out of socket.  Unfortunately this happens to Audrey a lot.  Several years ago she was playing flag football and dove for the ball landing hard on the shoulder and that caused it to pop out.  Over the years it has happened more and more.  Sometimes rough housing with friends, sometimes playing volleyball, and unfortunately sometimes just stretching her arm to reach for something.  She's been to the doctor and she has gone to PT and it still keeps happening.  Usually she can pop it back herself, but this time she couldn't.  I was just becoming aware of what was going on and getting up to help her and she said something like, "I think I'm going to pass out".  Then we heard a slam.  It was loud.

It happened fast.  Randy reached her first and found her flat on her face with her arms by her side.  He rolled her over and she was crying.  Her shoulder had popped back in when she fell.  There was blood on her face. She was writhing in pain.  I threw on clothes, grabbed my phone, a water, and my wallet and Randy carried her to the car and we went to the emergency room.  We were there by 6:00.

They had us in a room by 6:05 and we had the best doctors, nurses, transport team.  Literally every single person we had was wonderful.  And my sweet, baby, girl Audrey is so brave and so sweet and so other centered.  She is precious.  The doctors immediately knew she would need facial sutures.  They immediately knew she would need dental work.  We still do not know the extent but we do know that several of her teeth are chipped and her teeth are not aligned. They also knew she would be referred to an orthopedic surgeon to figure out what to do about her shoulder.  They said we can't have her shoulder continuing to come out of socket, even while she is sleeping.  What they didn't know immediately was the extent of the damage done to her face, so they needed to do a CT scan.  Her jaw and her ear were killing her.  

Unfortunately, when she fell she fractured her jaw bone, in two places.  She had fractured the mandible and the styloid process which is part of the temporal joint.  It is like a little spike that goes down to the ear.  That explained her ear and jaw pain.  The good news was that there were no cranial injuries.  Praise the Lord!  They started her on some morphine and stitched her chin while we waited for the plastic surgeon to come down to consult.  That is when Audrey started crying.

She had cried some from the injury, but this was crying from the fear and emotion of it all.  We prayed and tried to rest and talked to Nanny and Pa and Daddy and brothers and sisters on facetime.  Then we had more good news.  There were fractures along the entire length of both bones, but neither bone had been "shortened" or "displaced".  They were held perfectly in position.  Thank you Lord for holding things together when life slams everything apart.  Audrey will not need facial reconstruction!  Thank you Lord!  The bad news was she could not chew for 6 weeks.  The surgeon was going to consult with some colleagues on whether or not to wire her mouth shut.  Children are typically not wired and adults are.  She is at the in between spot between kid and adult, so they were going to have to discuss.

Through all of this trauma Audrey kept charming the hospital staff.  They loved her and she loved them.  Audrey is such an other centered child.  Barely able to move her mouth and in tremendous pain and fearful of what her day held she engaged the transport nurse about her job and her life.  She complemented another nurse on her bandana.  She had the doctors laughing as she joked about how of course she would be the one to fall flat on her face the first day of her Christmas break.  She kept telling me how nice everyone was.  

The surgeon came back with more good news.  They were not going to wire her jaw shut, but we had to be very careful to follow the eating instructions.  She assured us it would not be difficult for the first 3-4 weeks because she would not be able to move her jaw.  She said it would be hard for the last couple weeks because she will feel better, be hungry, and feel like she can handle it.  We were given a long list of follow up instructions and sent home and now is the time for the healing.  It will take 6 weeks.  She is very swollen, but surprisingly not bruised.  I'm calling today to setup a dentist appointment, an orthodontic appointment, a follow-up with her pediatrician, an appointment to have her stitches removed, an appointment for plastic surgery follow-up, and an appointment for the orthopedic surgeon to consult on her shoulder.  Not how we planned to spend our Christmas break, but God has been good to allow it to unfold this way.  I'm off work.  She's off school.  We aren't getting behind on anything.  We can just focus on getting Audrey well.  I'm so thankful for that. 

Its also been so sweet to see the outpouring of love and prayers and friendship.  Audrey is so loved.  She's been inundated with calls and messages from friends.  She's been given sweet and thoughtful gifts.  Smoothie gift cards, a gift card to her favorite place ever: Chick-fil-a, homemade hot chocolate bombs.....so much love and care it is really overwhelming.  She has friends sending packages, T-shirts, cards, planning visits.  She is so well cared for.  It makes my heart happy to see how well she is loved.  

I'm also blessed by her sweet attitude.  Once in a while I'll look at her and she will be quietly crying.  She is hurt.  She is overwhelmed and disappointed at how she will be spending her break.  She is sad we had to cancel the Stewart Christmas.  However, she is not having a pity party.  She is soaking in the love of others.  She is constantly telling me she is ok and she doesn't want special treatment.  She won't take up her Daddy's offer to let her have his spot in my bed.  She just wants to be treated normal.  She doesn't want all this focus, she said it makes her think about it and it hurts.  She is starting to smile and laugh a little, which is very painful as it moved that jaw area, but it is also a glimpse of her.  She is always smiling and laughing.  So while we are trying to keep it to a minimum, we are so happy to see glimmers of our Audrey.

A couple other things that have been good on this journey is our medical team.  We have the best pediatrician in the WORLD.  Dr. Fisher went out of his way when he was not even on call, late at night to get Audrey the pain relief that she needed.  I love him.  Dr. Fisher was my doctor and Randy's100 years ago and has been my kids doctor for the last almost 23 years and he is amazing.  He went above and beyond the call of duty.

And.... our orthodontist Dr. Smith.  He has been amazing.  He is supposed to be on break and he has given me his personal cell.  He has told me to call or text and he will meet us as soon as she is able to open her mouth enough to be examined.  He's tracked down her CT and looked at it.  He has consulted with other collogues.  He's given me advice on her oral hygiene care while she heals,  He has encouraged her after seeing photos.  She is very concerned about her teeth.  She cares a lot about her teeth and has always taken very good care of them.  She can tell they are messed up from the alignments and the chipping and that bothers her a lot.  Dr. Smith is optimistic and this is helping to alleviate Audrey's fears.  I think he is the best!

I wanted to chronical this to remember.  I want to remember God's mercy and care even when he allows bad things.  I wanted to remember how kind and loving strangers, doctors, friends, and family have been to us in our suffering.  I wanted to remember my tough, sweet girl and how well she suffers.  I wanted to let people know how they can pray.

The Most Defining Day of my Life

February 10....what a date.  No date has been as impactful a day in my life as February 10.  Most people know my story, but for those that do not, February 10 was the day 19 years ago that my heart broke in two.  It's one of those dates that marks time.  Life before Matthew and life after Matthew.  Randy and I were babies.  We were just 25 years old.  We were young and happy and Andrew was 2 years old and we were so excited about our second little boy.  We had planned for him.  We had celebrated him.  We had painted the third bedroom blue, setup the crib, washed the baby clothes, written the thank notes.  We were just waiting.  Just a couple more weeks and our family of 3 would be a family of 4. 
You see my whole life all I wanted was to grow up, become an elementary school teacher, get married, and have a LOT of babies.  Like a LOT.  At least 5, but 7 might be better.  Then one day I realized my baby wasn't kicking anymore.  I was on bed rest, so I wasn't too busy to notice.  I was focusing very closely, I was waiting for any movement......nothing.  I called the doctor.  My sister picked me up and took me to check.  Randy was at work, and it was last minute.  I assured him Stacy could take me.  Whew, we heard the heartbeat.  It sounded good.  I was so relieved.   The nurses reassured me that the baby would not move as much, because I was so close to term.......so I went home and waited, and waited, and waited.  He still had not moved once that night.  Not one time.  I'd been pregnant before, I knew babies slowed down close to their due date, but Matthew was not moving.....at all.  It was late, but Randy was scheduled to leave on a business trip the next morning.  So we called the doctor on call.  He told us to meet him at the hospital.  We hurriedly packed a bag, deposited Andrew at Nanny's, and we headed to the hospital.  They got us right back.  They searched for a heartbeat.....they kept searching.  They said sometimes heartbeats could be tricky to find.  I realize now, the nurses probably knew at this point, because heartbeats are not tricky to find this late in the game.  Nonetheless, I was blissfully ignorant.  It had literally never crossed my sweet innocent mind that my baby could be dead.  I thought maybe he was sick or in distress, but not once had I considered that he was dead.  They ordered an ultrasound and we all immediately saw the baby.  He was there!  I saw him.  But the nurse said his heart is not beating.  What?  The screen wasn't flashing.  It was still.  Not beating. Impossible.  My next thought was HURRY!  Get him out!  Fix him!  Save him!  What was wrong with these people?  Nobody was trying to save my baby.  It was too late.  He was already dead.  That moment was a defining moment in my life.  Innocence was lost.  Life would never be the same.

Then came the wailing.  I did not even know I could cry so many tears. 

Then the questions.  I had so many question....
How will he get out of me?
Labor.
How will I go into labor if my baby is dead?
You will still naturally go into labor, or we can induce labor now.
Will it hurt like regular labor?
Yes.
Will it take as long as regular labor?
It may take longer, because it's a little early and your body may need some coaxing.
Can you just knock me out and do a C-section?
No.  It can cause problems with future pregnancies.
What happened?
We don't know.  We may be able to find out after he is born.
Will it happen to me again?
We don't know it depends on what happened.
Are you going to just throw him away?
No.  We will release his body to the funeral home.
Will he be rotted?
No.
Will he look deformed?
No, he will look like a baby.
Can I see him?
Yes
Can I touch him?
Yes
Do I have too?
No, but you should.

Oh.  My.  Word.  Why was this happening?

They induced labor that night.  It was very late on a Wednesday. I was admitted to the hospital.  Then I labored all day Thursday and Friday and finally gave birth around lunch on Saturday, February 10.  I was surrounded by happiness, and newborn baby cries, flowers, and balloons, and joy.  I gave birth to death.  It was quiet, except for my sobs.  He was tiny, and perfect, and beautiful, and real, and dead.  We named him Matthew.  It means A Gift from God.  I held him.  Randy held him and our families held him.  We wept.  We prayed.  I kissed him.  I bathed him with my tears.  I literally wondered if I would survive.  The nurses took pictures of him and gave me a box of mementos.  Which included a little outfit he had worn and footprints.  Then a few hours later, they wheeled me to the door of the hospital I was fat and sore and empty and holding a little box.  My arms ached for a baby. 
Its all a blur after that.  The next day I sat at the circus.  We'd bought tickets before all this happened and didn't want Andrew to be sad.  So we sat through a circus and I remember thinking;  These people have no idea my baby just died.  Then a couple days later, I went to my babies funeral.  There was this tiny white casket, and I kept thinking this is messed up.  Caskets should not be so small.  We sang, "It is Well with my Soul" and we went home.

Then began the slow and weird and lonely process of healing from a loss not quiet real enough for people to understand.  I mourned deeper than I imagined for a child I never knew.  How could I love someone I didn't know, so much?

Time brought answers.  Matthew died from a knot in his umbilical cord.  The doctors assured us that would never happen again.  Time also brought more babies.  We had Sophia, and having her was a balm for my wounded soul.  God however revealed to me through my pregnancy with Sophia, that what the doctors said did not affect what happened.  My pregnancy with Sophia was followed very closely by doctors.  And nonetheless Sophia was born with a knot in her umbilical cord, and it was wrapped around her neck twice.  God for whatever reason had willed for Matthew to die and for Sophia to live.  I'll never understand the entirety of why.....but this I know.  Both Matthew's death and Sophia's life were a part of God's plan for our family, and God calls all of his plans good.  He measured it out, he weighed the cost, and he allowed for Matthew to die and for Sophia to live.  The doctors were wrong.  It did happen again and they were also wrong about the cord....the knot did not cause Matthew die....because God could have saved him.  God allowed Matthew to die.  That is not an easy pill to swallow.  It hurts and it contrary to what I would desire.....but the alternate is life is random.  God is not in control.  Things just happen for no reason....and that I just can't believe. 

So I was busy being a mom and very pregnant with twins.  I thought I had learned the lessons of Matthew's life.  I was enjoying being a mom.  About a month before the twins were due, after a busy day of shopping, my feet were as big as tree trunks.  Like literally humongous.  Because of my pregnancy history and the fact I was having twins the doctors kept very close tabs on me.  I checked my blood pressure at home.  It was very high.  The doctor wanted me to meet him at the hospital and pack a bag.  It was late, on February 9.  When I arrived they realized the babies needed to be born now.  My blood pressure was too high they needed to do an emergency C-section right now. They prepped me for surgery and wheeled me back just after midnight. Jackson and Lydia were born healthy and screaming in the wee hours of February 10.  I looked at Randy and said do you know what today is? 

Friends, God is in the details.  5 years to the day after giving birth to Matthew in the very same hospital I gave birth to Jackson and Lydia.  God took a date that was very difficult and sad and he in his goodness redeemed it.  So now February 10 is not just a sad day.  It is a day we can celebrate the goodness of God and the precious gifts of Jackson and Lydia.  I agree with Job, "God gives, and God takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised."

I don't think I'll every be done learning the lessons of Matthew or motherhood, or heartache.  But I can tell you this.  Matthew's death was for my good.  God has used it to sanctify me over and over and over again.  I wish I had gotten to raise all 6 kids.  I wish I was making him a cake and he was coming home from college to celebrate with us, but I'm glad God loves me enough to do what is best, even when it doesn't seem best.  It's been 19 years.  I could have raised that beautiful boy in the time its been since I held him in my arms.  I miss him.  I wish I had gotten to know him. I'm so thankful I can celebrate Jackson and Lydia this weekend.  I'm so glad God has given my hearts desire; a husband, and a job teaching 2nd graders, and LOTS of children.  I can't wait to see Matthew again in heaven and hear what it was like to grow up with Jesus.  I can say in all honesty that Matthew lived up to his name.  He has indeed been a gift from God.  Happy Birthday in heaven.

Update

It's been so long since I've written.  I've been pondering so much in my heart over the last months.  The family is doing well.  Super busy with school and basketball.  I love basketball season!  Sophia, Jackson, and Audrey are all playing this year so I'm in for lots of basketball fun!  Randy is the assistant coach for Jackson's team at school and they are both enjoying that! 

We had a nice Thanksgiving.  It was so good to have Andrew home.  I don't get to see him enough!  Andrew is a senior at American and about to start his final semester.  How did that happen?  He is a finance major.  He has been accepted to the graduate program at AU and is planning to pursue a degree in data analytics. I'm not too sure what that is, but people act like its a great degree.  He will take some of the classes for his graduate degree this coming semester and plans to finish up next May.  Then, he is planning to move to Australia.  Yes, Australia!  As some of you know he spent 6 weeks there this summer with Campus Outreach.  For those of you that contributed to his trip, thank you.  It would not have been possible without your generosity.  I had sorta braced myself for him to come back and tell me he was going to go on staff with CO.  I had not braced myself to hear what he did say.  He did not plan to go on staff, he really wanted to pursue his Masters and then move across the world and work in his field and just be a faithful Christian and church member in Australia.  He said only 5% of Australians are churched so it's likely that even fewer are believers.  He joked that he spoke the language.  So he plans to spend his life in Australia.  Wow.  He told me this back in August.  He's researched immigration, which is not easy.  My response was better then I expected.  I said, "I can't think of a better way to spend your life."  My heart however was reeling.  I had plans to be an involved grandma and that was going to be a little difficult halfway across the world.  But the Lord has gently reminded me of the prayers I prayed so often for little Andrew.  I prayed he would love the Lord with his whole heart.  I prayed he would spend his life on something that mattered.  I prayed he would make good choices.  God is faithful.  He has answered my prayers.  If I go too far down the road I get sad, because I am selfish, but God has given me grace for today.  He could be chasing after the world and all it has to offer. He could be wasting his life.  He's choosing to lay down his life in service to God.  I have no greater joy.

Another thing that has been overwhelming my heart in these last months is my sweet Lydia.  She got hit with a dodgeball during a game of blindfolded dodgeball.  She was blindfolded and so was the sweet boy that threw the ball.  She was hit very hard and at close range.  It was obviously a total accident.  She however lost consciousness and received a concussion, which has been so much more than we ever thought possible from a hit in the head with a dodgeball.  She's had headaches.  She's on prescription medications.  She's been in physical therapy for her eyes and neck which were injured.  Her blood pressure is out of wack.  Her memory was affected.  She had memorized 300 digits of pi for a contest in her class, and post concussion was unable to say 4 numbers in a row.  Its been a long journey.  The injury happened at the end of September.  She is slowly getting better.  However, her migraines have been getting worse.  They were present prior to the concussion but they have been horrible since the concussion.  They do not seem to be related to the concussion.  She actually spent Sunday night/Monday morning in the ER getting intravenous meds to help with a debilitating migraine that had been going on for about 6 hours.  It was her second on a week.  Praise the Lord, they gave her an MRI, which had not been done since her injury and EVERYTHING looked perfect.  This was a huge relief to me, because she has had so many head issues since her injury, I was starting to think something more serious may be going on.  The ER did refer her to a neurologist, so I hope that we can get some answers and she can get some relief.  Seeing her in so much pain and not being able to help her is so hard for me.  I'm reminding myself that God is good.  That God is allowing her to suffer this for some reason and praying it will be used to point her to Christ. 

Anyway, I better run!  I've got school today and I'm not ready yet!