February 10

 Tomorrow Jackson and Lydia turn 16.  How can this be?  Friday, we will head off to the DMV for 2 drivers licenses?  If life had been different, tomorrow Matthew would have been 21.  An official adult.  I would be celebrating all three of these precious lives.  Toasting our making it to Matthew's adulthood.  I would have 21 years of hugs, kisses, fevers, sports, scraped knees, schooling, driving, people, and memories.....I often wonder what he would have been like.....hard working, academic, funny, a handful?  Some years I wonder more than other years.  This year I wondered a lot.

Randy and I were 26.  We had a precious three year old, Andrew.  I was very pregnant with our much anticipated Matthew.  One day, right near the end....Matthew stopped moving.  I rushed to the doctor, we heard a heartbeat....false alarm.....or at least that is what I thought.  They said near the end there is just not enough room for a lot of movement.....okay....but as I waited and waited, I felt nothing.  I called the doctor again.  They told me to come to the hospital, it was after hours.  They couldn't find a heartbeat.  They quickly ordered an ultrasound. That's when I saw him.  He was there, but there was no flashing.  Something was wrong.  The room was quiet.  I was confused.  It took me a minute to realize what everyone else already knew.  Then came the wailing.  The screaming.  The heartbreak.  My baby was dead.  

I've always asked a lot of questions.....ask my family!  The questions began.....

How will he get out?            Labor.

How will I go into labor if my baby is dead.  It will just happen if you want to wait, or we can induce labor.

Will it still hurt?    Yes.

Why did this happen?  What went wrong?  Does this happen much?  Will the baby be black and decayed?  Are you going to just throw him away?  Can I see him?  Do I have too?  Can you do a C-section and just knock me out?  

Dr. Fried sat for hours and answered question after question after question.  

They began the induction that night.  It was a Wednesday.  I started having contractions on Thursday and finally gave birth to our precious Matthew on a Saturday afternoon, February 10 at Durham Regional.  There was no screaming, except from me.....no rushing, no congratulations, no good job, Mama....just a lot of tears and pain and quiet.  

There were also some answers.  He had a "true knot" in his umbilical cord.  He was not decayed.  He was a fully formed baby.  We held him.  I examined his finger and toes and fuzzy little head.  His name had been picked out for a long time.  Matthew-a gift from God.  Should we change his name?  I wondered.  It was such a good name.  We loved it.  Now we could never have a living child named Matthew.  I talked to my brother, whom he was named after.  I wondered if he wanted us not to use it anymore.  This didn't feel like much of a gift.  After much thought and some discussion we decided he would always be Matthew.  A gift from God.  Little did we know that day in the hospital, what a gift he would be.  

The days after losing Matthew were a blur.  We went to the circus.  That was surreal.  Life went on, I kept thinking nobody here knows I had a dead baby yesterday.  So much joy and sparkles and life and I felt dead and empty and broken.  Then there a funeral with this miniature casket.  We sang, "It is Well with my Soul."  All the church ladies brought food and sent sweet cards and I read my Bible.  I was in Job.  "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised."  It stuck.  It fit.  It kept reverberating in my brain and then to my heart.  It became my mantra.  I knew in this moment I would either turn to God or turn away.  Praise God he drew me to himself.  Then in the Psalms came this strange verse; "Know that the LORD has set apart the faithful for Himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him.  Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be silent."  

The "on your bed and be silent" felt like a direct order to keep my mouth shut.  I was asked to share about my loss with a few women's groups at church.   I didn't really understand, but this verse always popped into my mind and I always felt the need to say no.  I didn't know then what God was about to do.  

It had been a journey filled with much healing and spiritual growth and some answers and more questions.  We had another little girl, Sophia.  She was the apple of our eye, and spoiled rotten.  The doctors were wrong.  They had told us a knot in the umbilical was a freak accident and it would never happen again.  Despite almost weekly ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy with Sophia, it did happen again.  Sophia was born with a knot in her umbilical cord and it was wrapped around her neck twice.  Yet she lived.  The knot did not kill Matthew.  God in his loving sovereignty allowed for Matthew to die and Sophia to live.  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised.

We always wanted a bunch of kids, so we were excited to find out we were expecting again.  Andrew was 7 and Sophia was 2 and we were so happy.  Then we found out we were not expecting 1 baby, but we were expecting 2!  They were due in March.  My pregnancy history had me flagged as high risk from the beginning and because we were having twins they continued to follow me very closely.  I was to report anything unusual.  So on February 9, after a day of shopping and having Andrew and Sophia's pictures taken, I was home getting them bathed and ready for bed and noticed my feet were the size of a tree trunks.  I thought it was probably nothing but called the doctor because they were so interested in everything.  The doctor said to meet him at the hospital.  We dropped the kids at my mom's and headed to the hospital, with a bag-just in case.  I was whisked to labor and delivery where they quickly determined my blood pressure was through the roof and the only thing that would help was for the babies to be delivered....now.  Jackson was breech and it was early and my blood pressure was so high they felt a C-section was the safest route.  So they quickly prepped me.  It was late.  Just before midnight.  at 12:19 on February 10 Jackson was born and one minute later Lydia was born.  They were screaming.  It was February 10.....I was in the same hospital I had been in 5 years earlier, to the day.  That day the room had been so quiet.  Today there was so much bustling and crying and noise.  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised.  God has removed our sackcloth and changed our mourning into joy.

So much time has passed.  So much healing has happened.  So much growth.  This  year the loss in that hospital room 21 years ago is a little fresher.  You see it happened to this sweet young couple at our church.  They lost a baby that was about to be born.  The mom and dad invited me into their hospital room.  I got to meet their sweet girl.  She was real.  She existed.  She was precious.  As I held her my arms ached with the weight of her and my heart ached with the knowledge of the journey I knew her sweet parents were embarking upon.  I missed Matthew anew.  I had trouble sleeping for a few days.  Infant loss, especially preborn infant loss is a loss people can't quiet see and don't quiet understand.  It's uncomfortable.  But it is real.  I held her and I held him and they were real.  Very, very, real.

But let me tell you what else is real.  God is real.  He is in the details.  He took a day that meant nothing to the world, but meant everything to Randy and I.  A day marked with loss and sadness and he redeemed it as only he could.  He gave us a double portion of his goodness.  Jackson and Lydia were not given to replace Matthew, but God has used the date "coincidence" to sooth a Mama heart and to remind me, he sees, he knows, he plans, he orchestrates.  None of it....the good or the bad is an accident.  God gives and God takes away....may His name forever be praised. I no longer feel compelled to be silent.  Rather I feel compelled to share about the goodness of a loving God who in his kindness to me both gives and takes away.  I don't understand the big picture of all God is doing when he allows bad things to happen, but I do know that God uses bad for our good.  I know him better and I love him more than I would have if I had never lost Matthew.  I wish it could have been different.  I wish tomorrow was a celebration of 3 of my most favorite people.  But I can truly say that Mathew was indeed, "A gift from God".