Becoming

 I can't believe I started this blog over 12 years ago.  It's been years since I blogged regularly, but I am thinking about starting back.  When I began blogging it was a way to remember.  When I stopped, it was to preserve my kids privacy.  I am so thankful that I chronicled what I did, because I honestly don't remember a lot of it.  It went by fast!  Blogging was a way for me to process the onslaught and at times what felt like trauma of motherhood!  Now, I feel like I am on the brink of unemployment.  In 1-2-3 years, really less.......because it's October....and they tend to leave in August....my life is going to walk out the door.  Then what?

When this blog started Andrew was 12.....and now he's 24 and has a college education, graduate degree, career and his own apartment and bought himself a car.....and I'm definitely not parenting him anymore!  Sophia is now in her junior year of college.....a junior?!?  She will be graduating with a degree in communications next year.....and be an official adult.  I still parent her a little, but that role is definitely changing and definitely is not daily.  Lydia was just 4 when the blog started and now she is about to graduate a year early from high school and fly the coop!  She is so ready, but I don't think I am.  She's been busy with school, and ACT prep, college applications, her job, volleyball, and her people.....and I've been busy trying to hang on. I feel like I've been robbed of a year with my precious girl.  Jackson will graduate right on time, next year.  Then I won't have any more basketball games to cheer for or drive to and I LOVE basketball games.....and in 2 short years there will be no more late night requests for butter noodles and last minute requests to iron clothes.  The house will be cleaner, but it will also be quieter, he brings so much energy. Then Audrey, my sweet baby girl who was only 3 when the blog started....and yes, she still adores our dog and her blanket, but now she has her permit and does her own laundry and keeps our kitchen stocked with deserts.  In less then 3 years Audrey will graduate...and then...no more volleyball....  No one to remind to use their manners at the dinner table......no more crazy antics.....no one to mimic the way I talk.....No more chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips.  Three short years and I'm done with my daily job.  My life work......Over.  1-2-3, don't blink!  

And friends....the days were so S-L-O-W.....but the years....Where on earth have the years gone?

So much of my world and my life has been wrapped up in being a mom.  I wanted to be a Mama since I was a tiny little girl and I've spent the last 24 1/2 years living that dream and my whole world is about to be rocked and honestly I don't think I'm ready.  I LOVE this phase of parenting.  The kids can do their own laundry and school and make their own food and have good conversations and interesting points of view and they bring all these amazing friends and people into our home and lives.  It's just a fun, yet very expensive, season of life.  I love going to the games and hearing about the parties and listening to them blare music and sing loud and laugh and dress up and dance.  The wrecking cars and broken hearts and big emotions and full schedules are tough....but I have a feeling the empty and the quiet and the simple is going to be even tougher.  But heaven knows I better get ready!  Ready or not, here it comes!

One thing I wasn't prepared for when Andrew left, was that I didn't just lose Andrew.  I lost Andrew's people.  His friends and their families and teammates and their moms.  We had formed a tribe and when Andrew left I no longer saw these people and I missed them.  I missed the shared meals and cheering and crossing of paths.  Change is tough.

So this phase of the Mother Load is likely going to look a bit different.  It's going to be a journey to becoming me.  You see I got married while I was still in college.  I was 20 years old and I love Randy, and my decisions and I would not change a thing, but I was young....and I was a wife and finishing up college and after only 11 months of marriage, I was pregnant with Andrew and 9 months later at 22 I was a mom, and then at 25 I lost a baby and my world was shattered, and at 27 I had another baby, and at 30 I had two more babies, and at 31 I had another baby....and I was swimming in crying babies, and diapers, and bottles, and cooking, and laundry, and cleaning, and training, and schooling, and grieving....and now.....Whew!  It has BLOWN by.....and here we are.  

I'm 47 years old and I am almost finished with the every day parenting that I have LOVED...and I'm not even really sure who I am apart from being a mom....I mean yes I have other roles; wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, maid, libero tracker :)..and yes I'll always be their mom.... but that role is changing.  So I'm going to take some time and figure out who I am and what I love.  

At 47 with gray hair and grown children I do feel a little late to the game, but I am excited about BECOMING who God created me to be in this next phase.  I feel like I spent a lot of my early years reacting and responding and making it through the days.  There was not a ton of time for self-reflection.  This I know; I was created to be their mom and it has literally been the greatest joy of my life.....but I know there is more.  I'm not done, just because my job is wrapping up a bit.  So now.....I'm going to try to figure it out!  And no, I'm not bailing on the last 3 years....I'm all in.  I'm going to savor it all, but I just don't want to be totally slayed come August 2025....So here's to BECOMING Kim.....

How?  I'm not exactly sure.....but welcome to the journey!