A Look Back

I always enjoy looking back at the year.  I usually have to do it with pictures, because otherwise I can't quite remember what happened when.  There were good times and there were bad times.  I'm thankful for another year with our family and for God's faithfulness in the good and in the bad.

January was uneventful, filled with basketball and work and daily life.  The older I get the more thankful I am for the normal and uneventful days.  

February-The twins turned 16 and Audrey got her braces off.  Both of which were cause for celebration.

(the champagne was a gift from our orthodontist after our 5th graduated from braces!  Audrey did not drink it.)

March-Andrew turned 24. Sophia went to Charleston with a friend for spring break.  Andrew completed his triathlon in Wilmington.  

April-Audrey turned 15 and we pulled off a fun surprise party for her.  We celebrated Easter with the family at Nanny and Pa's.  Randy reached his goal of running 10,000 miles. 

May-Sophia turned 19.  She moved home for the summer.  Jackson and Lydia went to the prom with a fun group of friends.  Lydia competed in the Rambling Rose triathlon.  Jackson started working as a swim coach at Eno.

June-We celebrated Randy's 47th birthday.  The Crabtree family had a fun trip to Sugar Mountain.  We went white water rafting and hiking.  Randy and I tried to get away for a late anniversary trip, which ended up being cut short because some of the kids had COVID at camp.  Jackson, Lydia, and Audrey went to youth camp at Black Mountain and Sophia went as a chaperone.  Lydia and Audrey both found out they made the varsity volleyball team for Flight.

July-Kids came home from camp sick.  Andrew ruptured his patellar tendon and had to have surgery.  He moved into our house to recuperate and Sophia moved into his apartment so that he could have her room.  Jackson had the swim championship meet.  Jackson also got a major haircut.

August-Jackson and Lydia started taking classes at Durham Tech.  We had a lake day with the Stewarts.  I started my 3rd year teaching 3rd grade at Voyager.  Randy and I celebrated our 26th anniversary.  We moved Sophia into her first apartment at UNCW.  One of our young drivers totaled our car, "Sparkie". Praise the Lord nobody was injured.  Audrey tried out for several club volleyball teams.

September-We celebrated my 47th birthday.  Sophia and Aubrey went sky diving.  We went on a family beach trip.  I took the girls to Gatlinburg for the National Homeschool Volleyball Tournament.  Lydia had her volleyball senior night.

October-Kids went to Camp Caraway.  Lydia began her new job at Foster's.  Basketball started gearing up and volleyball started wrapping up.  Sophia started having severe unexplained bruising.  

November-Mom and Dad completed the beach house!!!  Dad was diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma. We celebrated mom's birthday. Sophia diagnosed as having terribly low iron and scheduled for first of 3 iron infusions.  Crabtree family beach trip for Thanksgiving.  Randy and Jackson hit by a drunk driver.  The car was totaled, Jackson had a concussion, and Randy had injured legs.  The drunk driver fled the scene of the accident.  Jackson and Randy missed work and Jackson also missed a lot of basketball and school, but thankfully they are healing!

November was tough.  

December-Dad begins chemo treatment.  Went on day trip to Wilmington to see Unchambered. Audrey nominated co-captain of her club volleyball team. Celebrated Christmas with both sides of the family. Our niece, Emoni, is engaged to her boyfriend Andre!   We went to the beach to ring in the new year.  Jackson is slowly returning to school, work, and basketball.  Randy still struggling to run and continues to have leg pain. 

So here's to 2023.  My prayer is that we will grow in godliness and that we would know Christ better.  I also pray for healing and health.  I'm so thankful for the people God has brought into our family this past year and for the amazing memories and moments we've shared as a family.  God has been very good to us.

Smallness

 One thought I keep having as I contemplate  idea of BECOMING is the idea of smallness.  I remember as a little girl lip singing to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson with my hairbrush into my bedroom mirror.  I was on point.  I was all in and gave it 100%.  I had every word down.  I could work a crowd!  I imagined the crowds, the cheers, the glitz, the glamour, and the fame.  Well the good Lord in his wisdom did not bless me with a singing voice, so fame eluded me.  The thing is.....why would I even want to be famous?  What even is the point?  I stumbled across a book title, while listening to a podcast this summer.  I have not read the book, however I do want to.  The title was, Famous at Home.  It resonated.  I do want that.  I want to be well known at home.  I want to be adored and loved and accepted at home and I want that for my people.  I want our home to be their stage.  I want them to feel important, loved, adored, known, and desired and seen in our home.  

So for me as I enter this next phase of life I want to focus on the daily.  I want to major on the small things.  I want to cook the meals.  I want to eat the meals with them around the table.  I want to pile on the couch and all watch Survivor.  I want to hear about their days, their thoughts, their annoyances, their dreams, and their plans.  I want to know what they love and what the want and what bothers them.  I want to be a hugger......I'm not.....but I am BECOMING one.

So these are the things I want to remember as my roles change.  I want to present when they need me.  I want to listen.  I want to be dependable.  I want to love, even when they are not very loveable.  Smallness matters.  The unseen is seen.  The daily counts. 

Becoming

 I can't believe I started this blog over 12 years ago.  It's been years since I blogged regularly, but I am thinking about starting back.  When I began blogging it was a way to remember.  When I stopped, it was to preserve my kids privacy.  I am so thankful that I chronicled what I did, because I honestly don't remember a lot of it.  It went by fast!  Blogging was a way for me to process the onslaught and at times what felt like trauma of motherhood!  Now, I feel like I am on the brink of unemployment.  In 1-2-3 years, really less.......because it's October....and they tend to leave in August....my life is going to walk out the door.  Then what?

When this blog started Andrew was 12.....and now he's 24 and has a college education, graduate degree, career and his own apartment and bought himself a car.....and I'm definitely not parenting him anymore!  Sophia is now in her junior year of college.....a junior?!?  She will be graduating with a degree in communications next year.....and be an official adult.  I still parent her a little, but that role is definitely changing and definitely is not daily.  Lydia was just 4 when the blog started and now she is about to graduate a year early from high school and fly the coop!  She is so ready, but I don't think I am.  She's been busy with school, and ACT prep, college applications, her job, volleyball, and her people.....and I've been busy trying to hang on. I feel like I've been robbed of a year with my precious girl.  Jackson will graduate right on time, next year.  Then I won't have any more basketball games to cheer for or drive to and I LOVE basketball games.....and in 2 short years there will be no more late night requests for butter noodles and last minute requests to iron clothes.  The house will be cleaner, but it will also be quieter, he brings so much energy. Then Audrey, my sweet baby girl who was only 3 when the blog started....and yes, she still adores our dog and her blanket, but now she has her permit and does her own laundry and keeps our kitchen stocked with deserts.  In less then 3 years Audrey will graduate...and then...no more volleyball....  No one to remind to use their manners at the dinner table......no more crazy antics.....no one to mimic the way I talk.....No more chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips.  Three short years and I'm done with my daily job.  My life work......Over.  1-2-3, don't blink!  

And friends....the days were so S-L-O-W.....but the years....Where on earth have the years gone?

So much of my world and my life has been wrapped up in being a mom.  I wanted to be a Mama since I was a tiny little girl and I've spent the last 24 1/2 years living that dream and my whole world is about to be rocked and honestly I don't think I'm ready.  I LOVE this phase of parenting.  The kids can do their own laundry and school and make their own food and have good conversations and interesting points of view and they bring all these amazing friends and people into our home and lives.  It's just a fun, yet very expensive, season of life.  I love going to the games and hearing about the parties and listening to them blare music and sing loud and laugh and dress up and dance.  The wrecking cars and broken hearts and big emotions and full schedules are tough....but I have a feeling the empty and the quiet and the simple is going to be even tougher.  But heaven knows I better get ready!  Ready or not, here it comes!

One thing I wasn't prepared for when Andrew left, was that I didn't just lose Andrew.  I lost Andrew's people.  His friends and their families and teammates and their moms.  We had formed a tribe and when Andrew left I no longer saw these people and I missed them.  I missed the shared meals and cheering and crossing of paths.  Change is tough.

So this phase of the Mother Load is likely going to look a bit different.  It's going to be a journey to becoming me.  You see I got married while I was still in college.  I was 20 years old and I love Randy, and my decisions and I would not change a thing, but I was young....and I was a wife and finishing up college and after only 11 months of marriage, I was pregnant with Andrew and 9 months later at 22 I was a mom, and then at 25 I lost a baby and my world was shattered, and at 27 I had another baby, and at 30 I had two more babies, and at 31 I had another baby....and I was swimming in crying babies, and diapers, and bottles, and cooking, and laundry, and cleaning, and training, and schooling, and grieving....and now.....Whew!  It has BLOWN by.....and here we are.  

I'm 47 years old and I am almost finished with the every day parenting that I have LOVED...and I'm not even really sure who I am apart from being a mom....I mean yes I have other roles; wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, maid, libero tracker :)..and yes I'll always be their mom.... but that role is changing.  So I'm going to take some time and figure out who I am and what I love.  

At 47 with gray hair and grown children I do feel a little late to the game, but I am excited about BECOMING who God created me to be in this next phase.  I feel like I spent a lot of my early years reacting and responding and making it through the days.  There was not a ton of time for self-reflection.  This I know; I was created to be their mom and it has literally been the greatest joy of my life.....but I know there is more.  I'm not done, just because my job is wrapping up a bit.  So now.....I'm going to try to figure it out!  And no, I'm not bailing on the last 3 years....I'm all in.  I'm going to savor it all, but I just don't want to be totally slayed come August 2025....So here's to BECOMING Kim.....

How?  I'm not exactly sure.....but welcome to the journey!

February 10

 Tomorrow Jackson and Lydia turn 16.  How can this be?  Friday, we will head off to the DMV for 2 drivers licenses?  If life had been different, tomorrow Matthew would have been 21.  An official adult.  I would be celebrating all three of these precious lives.  Toasting our making it to Matthew's adulthood.  I would have 21 years of hugs, kisses, fevers, sports, scraped knees, schooling, driving, people, and memories.....I often wonder what he would have been like.....hard working, academic, funny, a handful?  Some years I wonder more than other years.  This year I wondered a lot.

Randy and I were 26.  We had a precious three year old, Andrew.  I was very pregnant with our much anticipated Matthew.  One day, right near the end....Matthew stopped moving.  I rushed to the doctor, we heard a heartbeat....false alarm.....or at least that is what I thought.  They said near the end there is just not enough room for a lot of movement.....okay....but as I waited and waited, I felt nothing.  I called the doctor again.  They told me to come to the hospital, it was after hours.  They couldn't find a heartbeat.  They quickly ordered an ultrasound. That's when I saw him.  He was there, but there was no flashing.  Something was wrong.  The room was quiet.  I was confused.  It took me a minute to realize what everyone else already knew.  Then came the wailing.  The screaming.  The heartbreak.  My baby was dead.  

I've always asked a lot of questions.....ask my family!  The questions began.....

How will he get out?            Labor.

How will I go into labor if my baby is dead.  It will just happen if you want to wait, or we can induce labor.

Will it still hurt?    Yes.

Why did this happen?  What went wrong?  Does this happen much?  Will the baby be black and decayed?  Are you going to just throw him away?  Can I see him?  Do I have too?  Can you do a C-section and just knock me out?  

Dr. Fried sat for hours and answered question after question after question.  

They began the induction that night.  It was a Wednesday.  I started having contractions on Thursday and finally gave birth to our precious Matthew on a Saturday afternoon, February 10 at Durham Regional.  There was no screaming, except from me.....no rushing, no congratulations, no good job, Mama....just a lot of tears and pain and quiet.  

There were also some answers.  He had a "true knot" in his umbilical cord.  He was not decayed.  He was a fully formed baby.  We held him.  I examined his finger and toes and fuzzy little head.  His name had been picked out for a long time.  Matthew-a gift from God.  Should we change his name?  I wondered.  It was such a good name.  We loved it.  Now we could never have a living child named Matthew.  I talked to my brother, whom he was named after.  I wondered if he wanted us not to use it anymore.  This didn't feel like much of a gift.  After much thought and some discussion we decided he would always be Matthew.  A gift from God.  Little did we know that day in the hospital, what a gift he would be.  

The days after losing Matthew were a blur.  We went to the circus.  That was surreal.  Life went on, I kept thinking nobody here knows I had a dead baby yesterday.  So much joy and sparkles and life and I felt dead and empty and broken.  Then there a funeral with this miniature casket.  We sang, "It is Well with my Soul."  All the church ladies brought food and sent sweet cards and I read my Bible.  I was in Job.  "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised."  It stuck.  It fit.  It kept reverberating in my brain and then to my heart.  It became my mantra.  I knew in this moment I would either turn to God or turn away.  Praise God he drew me to himself.  Then in the Psalms came this strange verse; "Know that the LORD has set apart the faithful for Himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him.  Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be silent."  

The "on your bed and be silent" felt like a direct order to keep my mouth shut.  I was asked to share about my loss with a few women's groups at church.   I didn't really understand, but this verse always popped into my mind and I always felt the need to say no.  I didn't know then what God was about to do.  

It had been a journey filled with much healing and spiritual growth and some answers and more questions.  We had another little girl, Sophia.  She was the apple of our eye, and spoiled rotten.  The doctors were wrong.  They had told us a knot in the umbilical was a freak accident and it would never happen again.  Despite almost weekly ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy with Sophia, it did happen again.  Sophia was born with a knot in her umbilical cord and it was wrapped around her neck twice.  Yet she lived.  The knot did not kill Matthew.  God in his loving sovereignty allowed for Matthew to die and Sophia to live.  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised.

We always wanted a bunch of kids, so we were excited to find out we were expecting again.  Andrew was 7 and Sophia was 2 and we were so happy.  Then we found out we were not expecting 1 baby, but we were expecting 2!  They were due in March.  My pregnancy history had me flagged as high risk from the beginning and because we were having twins they continued to follow me very closely.  I was to report anything unusual.  So on February 9, after a day of shopping and having Andrew and Sophia's pictures taken, I was home getting them bathed and ready for bed and noticed my feet were the size of a tree trunks.  I thought it was probably nothing but called the doctor because they were so interested in everything.  The doctor said to meet him at the hospital.  We dropped the kids at my mom's and headed to the hospital, with a bag-just in case.  I was whisked to labor and delivery where they quickly determined my blood pressure was through the roof and the only thing that would help was for the babies to be delivered....now.  Jackson was breech and it was early and my blood pressure was so high they felt a C-section was the safest route.  So they quickly prepped me.  It was late.  Just before midnight.  at 12:19 on February 10 Jackson was born and one minute later Lydia was born.  They were screaming.  It was February 10.....I was in the same hospital I had been in 5 years earlier, to the day.  That day the room had been so quiet.  Today there was so much bustling and crying and noise.  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised.  God has removed our sackcloth and changed our mourning into joy.

So much time has passed.  So much healing has happened.  So much growth.  This  year the loss in that hospital room 21 years ago is a little fresher.  You see it happened to this sweet young couple at our church.  They lost a baby that was about to be born.  The mom and dad invited me into their hospital room.  I got to meet their sweet girl.  She was real.  She existed.  She was precious.  As I held her my arms ached with the weight of her and my heart ached with the knowledge of the journey I knew her sweet parents were embarking upon.  I missed Matthew anew.  I had trouble sleeping for a few days.  Infant loss, especially preborn infant loss is a loss people can't quiet see and don't quiet understand.  It's uncomfortable.  But it is real.  I held her and I held him and they were real.  Very, very, real.

But let me tell you what else is real.  God is real.  He is in the details.  He took a day that meant nothing to the world, but meant everything to Randy and I.  A day marked with loss and sadness and he redeemed it as only he could.  He gave us a double portion of his goodness.  Jackson and Lydia were not given to replace Matthew, but God has used the date "coincidence" to sooth a Mama heart and to remind me, he sees, he knows, he plans, he orchestrates.  None of it....the good or the bad is an accident.  God gives and God takes away....may His name forever be praised. I no longer feel compelled to be silent.  Rather I feel compelled to share about the goodness of a loving God who in his kindness to me both gives and takes away.  I don't understand the big picture of all God is doing when he allows bad things to happen, but I do know that God uses bad for our good.  I know him better and I love him more than I would have if I had never lost Matthew.  I wish it could have been different.  I wish tomorrow was a celebration of 3 of my most favorite people.  But I can truly say that Mathew was indeed, "A gift from God".