Afraid

So I've been working a lot on the issue of fear.  I never thought of myself as a fearful person.  I would kill spiders and I would run out and get things out of the car after dark.  I even jumped off the high dive at the pool.  Despite these heroic feats of bravery I've discovered, much to my chagrin, that I am indeed fearful.  1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

 

God's word is so true....

"Fear has to do with punishment".  My mind works a bit like this:

If I let my kids swim in the ocean (fear) then they will be eaten by sharks (my punishment).

If I don't check all my kids electronic correspondences (fear) then they will become addicted to online gambling/video games/porn/or fill in the blank (my punishment)

If I let Andrew drive the kids to the bowling ally (fear) then they will get in a wreak and die (my punishment)

If I send my kids to school (fear) then they will not walk with the Lord (my punishment).

And on and on and on the list goes......

A side note of great importance....is that I am REALLY bad at predicting the future.  For example, my kids did swim in the ocean and they did not get eaten by sharks!  In the Bible if a prophet made one wrong prediction they became known as a false prophet......I've made a lot of wrong predictions.....

Hmmmmmm....



Why am I so afraid?  Lots of reasons.  I had a couple big, scary, and disappointing surprises in my childhood and adolescence.  I don't want to tell other peoples stories so I'll just leave it at that, but it was the perfect breeding ground for a life lived in fear.  I decided early I would be prepared.  I was not going to be surprised.  So I read crime stories.  I watched crime TV.  I gathered information.  Come hell or high water I would be ready.  I also decided I was going to be a great parent.  I would know what was going on with my kids.  Not only was I prepared but I ran a tight and well surveyed ship. 

Except.....guess what?  My kids are growing up.  One is leaving home next year.  He won't be by my bedroom to plug in his phone each night.  He won't be available for a daily debrief.  I'm going to have to trust him, which means I'm going to have to trust God.  I'm going to have to give my kids room to mess up. So these are the questions I'm asking:

What if I trust God to reveal what I need to know and I rest in that?

What if they mess up big?  Will it ruin their lives?

What if I miss something?  Does that mean I'm a bad parent?

What if I stop watching and reading and researching crime and I'm not ready when tragedy happens?  Can God handle it or does he need me on my game?

So I have given up my reading and TV habit.  It is not easy!  Old habits die hard.  Baby. Steps.

A wise woman told me that I will have to grow in my love and view of Christ for my trust of him to grow.  I know in my head that God is good and does what is good. I've even experienced it. Now I need to trust that in my heart and not fear the punishment of not being a perfect parent.  As my trust in Christ grows my fear will weaken.  So I'm spending more and more time in the word and it is helping.

In addition to scripture I'm reading a great book called, Running Scared, Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest by Edward Welch

Here are a few quotes,

"When our feelings conflict with God's communication we must side with Gods interpretation.  Any other decision puts us above God."

So my prayer is for humility.  To see myself rightly and to see God rightly. 


Is rightly a word?


"Fears and worries live in the future, trying to assure a good outcome in a potentially hard situation.  The last thing they want to do is trust anyone.  God included.  To thwart this tendency towards independence, God gives us what we need when we need it."

This is the rub.  God does not promise my fears won't come true.  He does not promise I will die before my loved ones.  He does not promise a comfy life.  He does ALWAYS provide manna.  New every morning.

"Most fear links to our doubts about God's generosity and attention to detail."

How can I doubt?  He has been so good and I know he is a God of the details.  Hello February 10.  Still.....I doubt.

Here is my favorite....It's the kicker. It's long...but it's good.

"Left to yourself, you would bubble-wrap everything valuable to you and invest in armed security.  There is nothing inherently wrong in wanting to protect your assets, but we already know that anything that smacks of being tightfisted or self-protective is at odds with the freedom and generosity of the kingdom of God.  A withholding lifestyle means that we don't believe that there will be manna tomorrow.  We don't believe we will be given enough grace."

Guilty.

Hmmmm......