Life Changing

I have a busy weekend filled with bike races to cheer, ballerina balls to attend, dinner parties to host, lives to celebrate.  The twins turn 8 on Monday!  8 years old?!?  How on earth did that happen?  So in the excitement of the festivities and the celebrations...I don't want to miss my chance to share what God has done. I can't believe it has been 13 years.  I was 25 years old.  Barely more then a child myself.  I had an almost 3 year old little boy, Andrew, and was expecting our second son.  We were so excited.  His room was painted a powder blue.  His named was picked out: Matthew Douglas Stewart.  The baby shower was over.  The thank you notes written.  The gifts put away.  We just needed to pack our bags for the hospital.  It was almost time.

Then everything went wrong.  He was a little small at our checkup.  Strict bed rest.  Not measuring big enough.  Laying. Waiting.  Searching the Internet.  He was going to be fine.  This was 2001.  Babies don't die.  The stats of him surviving if he were born then were 90 percent.  This was a bump in the road.  Healthy, white, American babies of young, law abiding, Christian women receiving quality health care do not die in 2001.

Until they do.

The babies not moving. Panic. Doctors. Heartbeat. Hospital. Ultrasound. Dead.

WHAT???  NO!!!  WHY?!!!? 

Thus began the journey of healing.  The searing loss of a life not quite real enough for other people to understand.  But he was real.  I felt him move for 8 months.  I held him in my arms.  He was real.  I remember everything about that day.  He had hair, I touched it.  It was brown.  He had eyes.  He had a sweet face that looked just like all my other babies.  He was tiny.  He had all 10 perfect little fingers and fingerprints.  They are all over my life.  I have a card with his footprints on it too.  He was real.  He was a baby.  He was not a lump of tissue.  He was my son.  A life.  The loss of him radically changed me.

I dealt with realities a 25 year old shouldn't have to think about.  I was absolutely shocked babies could just die inside you right before they were born.  How was he going to get out?  Labor.  Would it hurt?  Yes.  There was no noise when he was born.  No rushing.  Why weren't they trying to save him?  It was too late.  He was already dead.  Then came the wailing.  Animal like noises from the girl....the mother?  Noises seared with pain and questions to painful to ask.  Are you still a mother if your baby dies?  I wondered that for a long time.  Yes....you are. 

Time was marked that day.  Before Matthew and After Matthew.  Life would never be the same.

I built a wall around my heart.  Protection was key.  I clung to Andrew and Randy for dear life.  Death grip.  I became super vigilant.  I was going to do everything right.  I was going to be the best mom.  I shut out everyone else.  All that was worth investing in were my small little family.  I had to seize every moment, because you never knew when was the last.  I lived in fear and bondage.  I was going to learn everything I could about why we lost Matthew so it wouldn't happen again and so God wouldn't have to take anymore of my children I was going to get this lesson down.  Most importantly: I was going to have another baby come hell or high water. 

So began my journey of healing.  I did learn so much.  I learned about God's character; that he is good regardless of my circumstances.  That he cares about the details of life.  Who else would give you twins on the fifth anniversary of your babies death.  The twins were 5 weeks early according to our plans but right on time according to Gods.  I learned that he really is good.  I learned that according to doctors this was a freak accident; a knot in the umbilical cord had cut off vital nutrients and as he grew bigger the knot tightened and that something like that would never happened again.  I learned that doctors are not always right.  Because guess what....it did happen again.  Sophie was born with a knot in her umbilical cord and it was tied around her neck twice.  I learned that I'm not in control, the doctors aren't in control.  God is in control and for whatever reason he had planned for Matthew to die and for Sophie to live and that regardless of the circumstances: knot or  no knot Gods plans will not be thwarted.  As I learned about God's control I have s-l-o-w-l-y began to loosen the grip of mine.  It is a process.  I am still learning.  No matter how hard I try or how good I am or how much I love them.....I'm not in control.  Babies die.  Lives end.  It hurts.  It's horrible.  Yet God really is faithful.  He really does bind up the broken hearted.  He does heal fractured lives.  It takes time.  It hurts.  But he is good.

Then life got busy.  I was covered in babies and I had marked this off as lesson learned.  Painful still at times no longer dwelling on it.  I thought I was done.  Then Dr. Davis said something in church one Sunday.  I had an epiphany.  Not only was God good.  Not only did he allow it.  He actually thought about it.  Weighed it.  Measured it out and decided to allow it because it was for my good.  I had accepted it was for his glory....but for my good?  He weighed the pain of losing Matthew with the affect it would have on my life and named it good.  That is a loving God.  The forethought.  The consideration.  The measuring....weighing.....not a quick yes or no. The time and the making of that decision.  It was not flippant.  The thought.....the answer.  God is always right and losing Matthew, although without a doubt the most painful loss of my life, has been for my good. 

What is amazing is I am still learning from this.  I'm learning that it doesn't matter how "good" I am or how perfectly I try to mother or how hard I work.  It doesn't matter if I follow all the rules and do everything "right".   I don't control the outcome.  I am not running the show.  Not to mention I can't be good enough.  I fail every. single. day.....multiple times!  God's decisions are not based on my behavior and performance: THANK YOU LORD!  They are based on his glory and my good.  Whew!  Pressure is off.  How I love him.  How awesome is he?

I still miss Matthew.  I still feel we have a gap in our family that only a 13 year old boy could fill.  I still wonder what it would be like to be Mom To 6.  I still think he has a beautiful name.  Yet I know it really was for my good.  Without the gap in life would I know the need for a Comforter?  Without his life and loss would I know the value of every life?  We live in a broken, fallen, messed up world and the empty reminds me who fills.  Not babies.  Not food.  Not stuff.  Not busy.  Just Jesus.

I'm so thankful for Matthew's life.  I'm thankful for God caring enough to weigh it out before he allowed Matthew to die.  I'm thankful I got to carry him every single moment of his life.  What a privilege that was.  I'm thankful this is not all there is.  I'm thankful God lavished his goodness on us as only he could: Jackson and Lydia what wonderful gifts from above.  So February 10 is a special day for us as we celebrate the lives of Jackson, Lydia, and Matthew!

I wonder sometimes if I will ever be completely over the loss.  Probably not this side of heaven.  I know the wall around my heart is coming down.  I know I'm beginning to let others in.  I know you can be wounded and keep walking.  I know in heaven we will finally be whole.