Blogging about it AGAIN!

Well....it is February 10th....and if you know me well at all....you know what that means....

I am going to blog about it AGAIN!

Sorry.....I can't even help myself.  God showed himself in such a real and personal way and I just can't help but write about it and tell about it....EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR!

We even have this little shelf of remembrances, of things God has done for our family, in our foyer and the little calender on the shelf stays on February 10th.  

February 10th is a BIG deal for me.

So for the ONE person who may not know the story....Here it is:

I was eight months pregnant with a much wanted, much anticipated baby boy.  The year was 2001.  His name was Matthew.  It means, "A Gift from God."  He was going to be Andrew's little brother.  We were so excited.  Matthew was due to be born in March.  My ultrasound in December showed that he was growing smaller then to be expected, but everything else looked healthy.  No other signs of a problem.  Just small.  Strong heartbeat.  So they decided they wanted me to go on bed rest, but assured me everything would be okay.  

However, as we would soon learn: Everything was NOT going to be okay.  On February 7, 2001 I was not feeling movement....AT ALL.  So I went to the doctor.  They checked and heard a good strong heartbeat.  They sent me home and assured me as he got bigger I would feel less movement and also because I was on bed rest...he would also be resting more and have less movement.  

Okay....so I lay the whole day....and did feel movement....AT ALL.

Something was wrong.  We called the doctor AGAIN.  It was after hours. 

They told us to come to the hospital.  We did.  They couldn't find a heartbeat.  Don't worry they said.  Sometimes the babies like to hide.  They ordered an ultrasound.  

Then it happened.  

My world shattered.  I saw his body.  But the little flash I knew was a heartbeat....wasn't flashing.

NO!

I crumbled.  I was devastated.  I wanted my baby.  I was just 25.  A mere child myself.  It was 2001.  Fully formed, healthy, American babies do not die just weeks from delivery.

Until....They do.

I was so naive.  Filled with questions:

How does the baby get out of  me?  Will it feel like real labor?  Will it hurt?  What happens to him?  Are they going to just throw him away?  What will he look like?  Will he be decayed from dying inside me?

I know these questions aren't pretty, but they are real.

The doctor explained that the baby would come out of me through labor.  I was so far along that was the only method available for delivery.  He assured me that it would feel just like real labor, except that it would probably take longer because my body did not want me to go into labor this early and would try to protect me from it.  The doctor told us that we could decided how to handle the remains.  They would not throw him away.  He would look like a baby.  He would not be decayed because of the fluid would preserve him.  

So....they induced labor.  I labored, and it hurt, for three days.  My body did not want to let go.  He was born around noon on February 10, 2001.  He was precious.  He looked like Andrew.  He lived up to his name.  He truly was a Gift from God.

We had a small family service and buried him.

Then began the hard, long, painful work of healing.

God used Matthew to teach me so much about himself: his goodness, his character, his plans.

God used Matthew to teach me so much about myself: my control issues, my trust issues, my selfishness.

It literally has taken years of pain, time in prayer, time in Gods word.  But he is faithful and he has healed my broken heart.  He is good...and he was good February 10, 2001 when my sweet baby boy was born dead.

Then, 5 years later, God showed off......

On February 10, 2006 he gave us Jackson and Lydia.

They were not due to be born until March, but God had a different plan.

5 years to the day after Matthew was born, he gave us Jackson and Lydia....only God!

He gave me this verse from Job during my healing process, after losing Matthew.

It became my mantra.

It is so true:

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised."

AMEN!

Last night our family gathered to celebrate two of his gifts:

We had balloons

We had family and friends:

We had Cookie Cake for Lydia

We had an army tank cake for Jackson!

After everyone left.  I also spent some time remembering his third gift:

Matthew.

God has been good to us and he has been faithful.  Through the good times and the bad times and February 10th will always be a day that reminds me in a very real way of his goodness.

THANKFUL for my TWINKIES!

and 

THANKFUL for their BIRTHDAY BUDDY!

HE is Good even when life is not.

Kim