The 2:00 AM Blog Post

Yes it is 2:00AM, well 1:56 to be exact, and I am blogging.  I went to bed no problem....and I woke up in a panic.....this is where I struggle.  In the busyness of the day I am okay.  When I am speaking truth and alert I am able to redirect my sometimes fearful thoughts AND.....when I go to bed I am usually so exhausted I don't have time to think or to ponder.......BUT here is my weak spot:  I fall asleep.....and then for whatever reason....a dream, a noise, a needy child, a barking dog, a snoring husband......I wake up.....and if I had enough sleep to count as a nap....I am in TROUBLE.
So I lay and my mind starts to wonder.....
Should I look for a job?  What if Randy never finds a job?  What kind of example are we setting for our kids....neither of us working?  What if we're ruining their lives?  How can I fix this?  How can we make this work?  and the questions start to assault me and fear creeps in and doubt and anger and frustration and I PANIC.

So....I wake up and I cry.  I cry because I'm tired.  I cry because I can't make it better.  I cry because I don't know what to do.  I cry because I'm scared.  I cry because I may indeed be ruining my children's lives.  I cry because I'm weak.  I cry because I feel like a loser.  I feel alone.  I feel I have nothing to give to anyone.....I'm fresh out...and so I cry.  I cry because I have so little faith.

Then....I remember......
God is love.....I worked on this verse all week with my little Cubbie Bear.  TRUTH

Then I remember it is a new day (because it is....technically the AM) so I am due another gift from my Sunshine Box (I'll post more about this later) and so I open a gift and it is a scripture calendar....and I turn to today's Scripture and it says "Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God!  Let Your good spirit lead me on a level path!  TRUTH

Then I turn to my pondering for the week and am reminded afresh..."What we are suffering now is nothing compared with the glory that will be shown in us."  TRUTH

Then I think about how quickly I believe the lies.....I am not a loser I am a child of God dearly loved.  I am not alone...ever....besides my own personal entourage I am also walking around with the Holy Spirit in me!  WOW!  I do have something to give.....I can give love.  I can give encouragement.  I can give time.  I can give a smile.  I can give a pat on the back. 

And then I am reminded....
Randy has worked, for pay, for some portion of almost every week of his unemployment.
He is a hard worker.  He is diligent.  He is smart.  He is gifted. 
This is a season.  A season of painful pruning. 
I don't like it....BUT
We have been blessed by sweet gifts, in ways that are so humbling and so extravagant I can not even begin to tell you.  I am not a shopper, I mean I do enjoy it....but I don't do it....and yet I have been shopping more since Randy was unemployed then I ever went before....because of sweet and generous gift cards given in secret.  UNBELIEVABLE!  I am ashamed that I would worry when the Lord not only has provided but has absolutely spoiled us.

I think part of the problem is I am prideful.  I do not want to accept gifts.  I do not want to be in need.  I want to have it all together.  I want to be self-reliant.  I want to provide for our family...and the Lord is humbling me and teaching me lessons that I need to learn....even though I do not want to learn them.

And now....I'm going to go to bed....or read about Overcoming Dyslexia.....YES I have issues!

Thanks for letting me vent......
And
"Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!"  my Little TNT's verse this week...

HE IS GOOD.....ALL THE TIME!
Nite!