Win or Lose?

I've had a really full heart lately....and I haven't been sure how to express it.  However as I pondered today (not Shay pondering....just my own mental self pondering) I came upon a realization that I think touches the iceberg of some of what's going on.

I am competitive.  I would think that probably comes as a surprise to many.....but those close to me probably not so much :)  I guess I've known this about myself...but never really thought about the implications.

I am fierce when playing card games or board games.  I won't even let my kids win (I think it's genetic....my mom won't even let her grandkids win :) and definitely not her kids).  We make them EARN it. 

I am a bit (okay a bunch) loud when cheering on my kids....in Odyssey, or guitar recitals, or basketball games or_______________________.

I think everyone enjoys a win....but what about when you don't win? 
What about when you pour your life into your kids and do everything you can not just to cover the basics....but to pour ALL you have into them....and they can't read?  Does that equal failure?
What about when you spend HOURS working with somewhat obnoxious loud, know-it-all smart, borderline rude exuberant middle schoolers and then are critiqued by well meaning people?  What about when you come up with endless fun, engaging, educational activities and spend hours playing, reading, and snuggling your preschoolers and then they fight, want Daddy, and are board.  What about when you don't work out enough, or sleep enough, or eat healthy enough.....does that equal failure?  What if you don't socialize your kids enough?  What if you do too much and don't leave enough margin in your life?  What if you mess up?  What if you are too hard on your kids?  What if you aren't hard enough?  What if they don't "turn out"?  What if they do?  Who gets the credit?  Is it because I did good enough?  Am I responsible for them "being a success" or "not turning out"?

Why does it feel so good when your 8 year old daughter scores 24 points in her basketball game and has 15 rebounds and 3 AMAZINGLY good assists  (my girl has mad skills) and so bad when her 3 year old cousin can read better then her (OUCH)?
Why does it feel so good when your 13 year old son can ace a geography test and rock out on his guitar and so bad when he misspells a simple word or writes illegibly?
Why does it make my heart swell with pride when my little ones show unexpected kindness to one another and yet make me look for a rock to crawl under when they throw a tantrum in the front of the church or hit me on the head on the way out of Mama's house?

I think there are several reasons.....
1. We have so much invested.  Our lives are literally poured into the little ones.  We love them so much and so much is at stake.  We like most parents just want the best for our kids.
This is so good.  However is all ease and all success really what is best?  What kind of kids would we have if everything was easy and everything was wonderful and everything was a success?  They wouldn't know much about grace.  They wouldn't be very humble.  They wouldn't be very patient.  They wouldn't be very tolerant.  They wouldn't be hard workers.  They would probably have some MAJOR character flaws.  So in fact I may need to be grateful for the shortcoming and the inadequacies and the struggles for they are indeed working out a character that would otherwise be lacking.

2.  I think we (I) make ourselves (myself) too important.  I think if they can't read or write neatly or be kind and obedient then I have failed.  It can be embarrassing.  People are judgemental.  We will be judged.  Accurately or inaccurately.  People will see where the shortcomings are and they will pass judgement and that can be difficult.  How often do I think...."they will say...."see she should not homeschool"  or "did you see how her child behaved" or "that is why you don't have 5 kids"......"How often have I judged someone else on a little snippet of their life?
Instead of labeling myself  or someone else a failure.....I could use it, and teach my children to use it, as an opportunity to grow.  They can learn perseverance, character, discipline and I can learn to be patient, humble, and gracious.  Why does it have to so hard?

3.  I think we (I) are (am) competitive.  Which can be fine to an extent.  However....to be the winner (which feels great) means there must be a loser (which hurts).  I do think it is important for kids to learn to win graciously and lose graciously. I think its important to know that we have strengths and weaknesses.  I think most often much more is learned from failure than from success.

Why is it then that I long for a success only journey for my kids?  I long for them to make right choices.  I long for the easy path....when so often real growth, real character, real relationships, real intimacy with Christ requires the path filled with potholes and thorns and wrong turns and even danger.  Ahhh.....what I really long for is for them to KNOW Christ.  I just wish this knowledge came with sunshine and roses. 
Shay has the Puritan prayer on his blog that states my heart so well:

If it be consistent with thy eternal counsels,
the purpose of thy grace,
and the great ends of thy glory,
then bestow upon me the blessings of thy comforts;
If not, let me resign myself to thy wiser determinations.

This is my prayer for me and for my family....but I must say even as I pray it....it does make me nervous.

Learning as I go..
Kim