A Defining Day!

I definitely could not let today pass without blogging.....but it almost did!  Our phone and computer have been out ALL day!  But alas as the day closes I can blog.

February 10th has got to be the most defining date in my life.  Yes....without a doubt if I had to pick one day...it would be today.

For those who don't know my February 10th story....I must share it. Ever since I was a little girl all I wanted to do was grow up, get married, be a teacher, and have a bunch of kids.  Well....although my life looks very different in reality then it did in my dreams....I must say God has truly granted the desires and fulfilled the dreams of my little girl heart.

11 months after getting married I was shocked to find out we were expecting a baby.  9 months later on March 3, 1998 my lifelong dream of being a mother became a reality.  I gave birth to a precious little boy.  He's not so little anymore!  I didn't know then but the Lord was going to use that sweet boy to help mature a very young and very immature girl.  I often wish I could take a crash course in motherhood and then have kids and raise them perfectly.  Unfortunately that is not how it works.  Motherhood is truly on the job training.  After having THE BOY I all the sudden realized I was responsible for another life.  I took that responsibility very seriously.  Randy and I had fallen out of church attendance and suddenly we realized we needed to get back into church.  We became regular attendees and would show up every Sunday but other then that I was not growing at all spiritually.  One Sunday at church I heard about a women's Bible Study that was written by some lady named Beth Moore.  I had never heard of Beth Moore, but I heard that they had a nursery....and as a young mom who knew no one else my age with babies I decided I'd go and maybe I'd meet a nice kid for THE BOY to play with.  I joined that Sunday night Bible Study for all the wrong reasons but I am so glad that I did.  The Lord used Beth Moore, Linda Reyner (who facilitated the study and invested her life and prayers into me...have I ever mentioned how much I love the Reyners :)), the women in the study, and most of all the enormous amount of time I began to spend in His Word to light a fire in my heart.  I began to grow and to mature in my relationship with Christ.  I was so excited about what the Lord was doing.  I couldn't wait for nap time each day and to be able to sit at my kitchen table.  I would spend 2 hours each day just pouring over the word and talking to God.  It was a sweet time of enormous spiritual growth in my life.  I didn't know then but looking back I know the Lord was preparing me for the darkest storm of my life. 
So....Randy and I decided after having this delightful little boy that we were really good parents, and should definitely have more kids :) Now I am showing how naive I truly was.  So we immediately started trying for number 2.  Finally, after a year and a half we found out we were expecting another baby.  We were elated.  The pregnancy was progressing normally until late in the pregnancy at a routine ultrasound the doctors became concerned about our baby's growth.  They continued to do weekly ultrasounds and finally diagnosed the baby with Intrauterine Growth Retardation.  Which simply means the baby was not growing properly.  He was way to small.  I was put on strict bed rest and told only to get up to go to the bathroom.  To a tired mom of an active toddler I must admit my first thought was YES! Vacation!  I quickly realized this was not going to be a fun time.  After the first few days I was ready to get up.  But I didn't.  I just lay around day, after day, after day.  I spent many hours in bed doing Bible study and Bible reading.  During my reading of the Psalms I came across a verse that said, "When you are on your bed be silent." It really stuck with me.  At first I think I simply appreciated the humor in it-after all I was definitely on my bed.  However in the months and years to come the Lord would often bring that verse back to mind.  I was asked to share what the Lord had done in my life several times in the years following our loss but whenever I would begin to pray about it the Lord would always bring that verse back to mind with a firm sense that I was to WAIT.  The Lord was not done teaching me what he wanted me to learn.  So I waited....for about 5 years and then I was freed to share.  If I had shared the first time I was asked to do so I wouldn't have known the end of the story.  Now I do----so he has freed me to share about his amazing goodness.

I will never forget the week of February 5, 2001.  That Monday I got my sister to take me to the doctor because I was not feeling the baby moving.  The doctor checked the baby's heartbeat and assured me everything was fine and sent me back home.  As I lay on the couch I waited and waited -I just wasn't feeling the baby move.  I waited all day Tuesday and Wednesday and late Wednesday night decided to call the doctor .  Randy was scheduled to leave on a business trip the next day and I was so nervous that something was wrong.  The doctor asked me to meet him at the hospital.  We headed to the hospital and immediately the nurses started searching for a heartbeat.  They searched and searched.  I knew something was wrong.  It was taking too long.  They tried to smile and acted upbeat as they ordered an ultrasound and called for the doctor.  When the doctor arrived he did an ultrasound and confirmed our worst fear.  Our baby was dead.  February 7, 2001 marked the beginning of the deepest and darkest and most personal pain I have experienced to date.  We wept and wept.  The doctors induced labor that night.  I labored all day Thursday, all day Friday, and then on Saturday, February 10, 2001 I gave birth to a precious, tiny, baby boy.  He was absolutely perfect.  I will never forget the silence in that room.  You could have heard a pin drop.  I just wanted to hear that baby scream.  I prayed the doctors would find a shred of life.  I prayed that God would breath life into that sweet boy.  He didn't.  He never made a sound.  He was dead.  I couldn't believe it.  My heart broke that day and I knew there would forever be a hole that ached for that precious little boy.  There was a knot in his umbilical cord, which had cut off vital nutrients and oxygen thus causing him to grow so poorly.  The doctors assured us it was a freak accident and that it would never happen again.  We named him Matthew.  His name meant A gift from God.  Over the years the Lord would begin to show me what a gift that sweet boy was.  I will love him forever. 

God used Matthew to teach me how to comfort hurting people.  I am more capable of loving hurting people because I have been hurt.  I am not afraid to talk to people about their grief.  I am not afraid to mention their loved ones name and tell stories about their loved one-because I know that it doesn't hurt them-it helps them to heal.  Everyone is afraid to talk about a hurting persons departed loved one except the hurting person.  They like to talk about their loved one and they like to know you remember and that you care.  I never would have known that if I hadn't lost Matthew.

God used Matthew to show me more of himself.  I learned that God truly is good all the time.  I learned that God's character does not change with my circumstances.  He is good today and he was good 10 years ago when he took our precious baby.  It is comforting to know that I serve an unchanging and always good and loving God.  I may not have known that if Matthew had not died.

God used Matthew to draw me into a closer relationship with Himself.  God gave me a verse in Job chapter 1 verse 21, "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away may the name of the Lord be praised." It became my mantra.  It was a verse that I said over and over again simply willing myself, regardless of how I felt to praise the Lord.  It was not easy.  It was so painful.  I knew after Matthew died I could very easily turn to God or turn away from God.  I am so thankful the Lord drew me to him.  Otherwise Matthew's life would have been in vain and his loss would have been for nothing.

Slowly God began to teach me to feed on his word and he began to slowly and to painfully heal my broken heart.  My heart no longer feels physical pain, but it did for YEARS...when something is broken it hurts.  However a scar remains.  I heard an illustration years ago of our hearts being like a vase and God, if you are a believer, is like the bright light inside the vase, and that if the vase (our hearts) get broken the cracks or scars left behind are where God's light shines the brightest.  I am thankful that we have a God who uses the cracks in our heart to bring glory to himself.  He doesn't just break our hearts and leave us that way.  The pain he allows in our life always serves a purpose.

As we began to heal we also began to long for another child.  I prayed often for a child and finally after what seemed an eternity.....1 1/2 years later we found out we were expecting another baby.  This child was another gift.  I could not wait to have another baby.  My arms ached to hold a child.  I prayed many times for this child to scream.  I did not want another silent delivery.  I long to hear a baby wail!  Then on May 10, 2003, the day before Mother's Day, our first daughter was born at 1:43 in the morning.  I am here to tell you that our God answers prayers.  That sweet baby girl came out screaming and continued for 3 years!  If you know her today she is very quiet and reserved....but she did not start that way!  God is good!  Another thing God taught me is that he is in control.  The doctors had spent the 9 months of my pregnancy with THE GIRL assuring me that it would be absolutely unheard of for me to have another child with a knot in their umbilical cord.  Well....THE GIRL also had a knot in her umbilical cord....and around her neck.  From this I learned that God allows whatever he wills to happen.  The umbilical cord knot did not kill Matthew.  The Lord as painful as it is to realize had planned for Matthew to die just as he had planned for THE GIRL to live.  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away may the name of the Lord be praised!

We started trying right away for baby number four.  After all it took me a long time to get pregnant.  When we found out we were expecting in July of 2005 we were very excited.  We were also very surprised when we found out we weren't expecting baby number four but BABIES four and five.  We could not have been happier.  Our babies were due to arrive on March 8, 2006.  I had a very uneventful pregnancy so on February 9 after a day of baby shopping I was quite shocked to see my feet were as big as tree trunks and decided I should probably call the doctor.  I thought it was probably nothing and that I was just over reacting but better safe then sorry.  The doctor wanted me to come in and told me to pack my bags "just in case".  So we rushed to the hospital about 9:00 pm on February 9 expecting to be sent home in a few hours.  After running some test the doctor diagnosed me as being severely pre-eclamsic and said he needed to do an emergency C-section.  So after a flurry of phone calls about 11:30 pm on February 9 they brought me papers  to fill out and began to prep me for the C-section.  As I prayed for my babies health the Lord kept assuring my heart that he did not bring me this far for nothing and he kept reminding me that he was good and that his grace would be sufficient.  Then he reminded me of one more thing that absolutely floored me.  I was at the same hospital I had been five years before.  These babies were about to be born and their birthday was gong to be February 10, 2006.  That date means nothing to most people but it meant everything to Randy and I.  I said, "Randy do you know what day it is?"  His jaw dropped and I knew that he knew.  Three of our five babies would be born February 10.  God is so good.  He is a personal God and he cares personally for his children.  He knows us and cares about the smallest details of our life.  THAT IS MY KIND OF GOD!  So at 12:19 am on February 10, 2006 TWINKIE BOY was born followed one minute later by TWINKIE GIRL.  They both weighed over 6 pounds and were able to come home from the hospital with me just 4 days later.  Some may think that God blessing us with 2 at once was his way of replacing the one he has taken, but that is not so.  Matthew will never be replaced, but the Lord has shown His goodness and blessing to us and we are so grateful.

So I thought I knew the whole story.....but God had a little cherry to add to top off our family that I had NEVER planned on.  We were satisfied.  Our lives were full and when the twins were just 5 months old we found out we were expecting....BABY number 6.  Yes we do know how it happens!  Yes I was on birth control!  BUT.....I was also on an antibiotic for an ear infection.....which is apparently what happened!  So I can assure you NOTHING is too quiet in our lives anymore. 

Now to my Pondering.....I did ponder this week.....and in total God fashion......the passage was perfect!
Philippians 3:8 was the passage I was praying 10 years ago when God began this work in my life. 

" What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ"

In the months before we lost Matthew I had been begging and praying that I could really KNOW Christ.  I didn't know what the cost would be, but I must say: It has been worth it. 

I will close with the words from Psalm 30, which is truly my testimony, " You have turned my wailing into dancing.  You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God.  I will give you thanks forever."

Happy Birthday TWINKIES!  I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!!!