February 10.....A Day that Changed my Life.....FOREVER

It's weird how one day can hold so many emotions.  This eve of February 10 I have spent some time reflecting back over the last 17 years since my world stopped turning.  It was 2001.  It was a time of joy and excitement.  We were expecting our second son.  I was 8 months pregnant.  The nursery was freshly painted, a lovely shade of powder blue.  The closet was lined with tiny baseball uniforms and blue onesies.  The shelves were stocked with diapers and the crib was setup.  We were expecting a baby.  A baby we had tried over a year to have.  Andrew was 3.  Randy and I were 25.

Then at a routine doctors appointment we were told the baby was a little small.  They monitored me closely for a few weeks.  The baby was growing, but slowly, very slowly.  I was put on strict bed rest.  Questioned about my drug and alcohol usage.  Told only to get up to go to the bathroom and I could shower twice a week.  Seriously?  Wow they were being strict.  I researched.  The Internet was invented back then.....so I poured over articles.  I was far enough along.  Our baby had over a 90% chance of survival.  Each day that number got higher.  So I followed the doctors orders.  After a few relaxing days, I got sore, very sore.  Its painful to lay all day....every day.  I prayed, I read the Bible, I researched, I talked on the phone.  I visited with sweet friends.  The days inched past and then one day I didn't feel the baby move....at all.  I knew as the baby got bigger there was less room for movement.  I knew that when the mother was still the baby was more restful, but I also knew when you were as pregnant as I was....you felt the baby move....I wasn't feeling anything.

My sister took me to the doctor that morning.  They found the baby's heartbeat.  Everything sounded fine.  I was sent home.  I still did not feel the baby move at all.  It was February 7.  Late that evening we called the doctor again.  He instructed us to go to the emergency room and that he would meet us there.  I was escorted immediately to labor and delivery.  The nurses searched for a heartbeat.  They couldn't find it.  Sometimes they could be tricky to find and babies liked to hide, they assured me.  Now I realize that is early on....they probably already knew he was gone....but I held on.....ever hopeful and clueless and naive.  An ultrasound was ordered and the baby was there!  I saw him.  He was big.  He looked normal, except the spot where his heart was, wasn't flashing.  He was dead.  The weight of that news hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was shocked.  I was devastated.  Hurry.  I wanted them to hurry.  Maybe they could revive him.  Nobody was rushing.  What was wrong with these people.  I was wailing.  Animal like sobs wrecked my body.  Randy made the horrible calls to let our parents know and our doctor, a funny Jewish man about my parents age sat and cried.  Dr. Fried, pronounced freed, sat with us for hours.  He answered every question I had....and I had a lot.

How will the baby get out of me?
labor

Will it hurt?
yes

When will I go into labor?
your body will go into labor naturally when it is ready.....I remember replying, "you mean I have to leave here pregnant and some random person on a bus is going to ask me when I'm due?" and I remember sobbing.  So worried about the pain of answering that question......Now it makes me laugh.  I don't ride buses and I didn't back then....but it was a real concern at the time!

Will you induce me?
Yes.

Today?
If you like.

Can you just knock me out and do a c-section?
No it will cause higher risks with future pregnancies.

Will I get to see the baby?
Yes.

What if I don't want to?
You don't have to....but we recommend that you do.

Will the baby look black and decayed or like a normal baby?
normal, but dead.

What will you do with the baby?
wrap him up, photograph him, weigh and measure and take footprints, and bring him to you.

Then what are you going to do just throw him away?
No.  We will release him to a funeral home and you can make arrangements.

What happened?

We don't know.

Does this happen a lot?
Not a lot but more then we wish.

They induced labor that night, it was a Wednesday.  Contractions started on Thursday.  Labor was in full swing on Friday.  Then around noon on Saturday, February 10 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  It was so quiet.  You could here a pin drop.  There was no rushing around.  No newborn cries....the only sounds came from me.....wailing for the baby I wanted so badly.

From Wednesday night until Saturday I had one prayer.  I prayed with 100% certainty that God could answer.  I prayed for the God who raised children from the dead to raise mine.  I prayed for a shred of life.  I prayed for a miracle.  God in his providence said no.  That day a journey of brokenness and healing began that in some ways continues still today.

We named him Matthew, it means a gift from God.  He has been a gift.

The healing has come slowly.  God has been faithful.  I do feel like we have a hole in our family....I really wish I was celebrating his 17 birthday tomorrow.  Sometimes when I stranger asks me how many kids I have and my kids ages....I'll rattle them off....Andrew-20, Matthew-17, Sophia-14, Jackson and Lydia-12, and our baby Audrey is almost 11. I'll include him....just for fun....he did exist....I don't tell them the story....but I don't leave him out.  With people I know I usually just say 5 kids.....it's simpler.  No matter how I answer it seems wrong.

We did find out the reason he died was because he had a "true knot" in his umbilical cord.  It had tightened as he grew and it cut off nutrients, thus causing him to grow poorly and eventually die.  They promised it would never happen again.  Except they were wrong.

The knot did not kill Matthew.  God ordained....with thought and consideration for Matthew to die....and he named it good.  They were also wrong because it did happen again.  After over a year of trying we finally found out we were expecting again.  This time a little girl.  My first girl.  I was so excited....and absolutely terrified.  The doctors watched my pregnancy like a hawk.  Weekly ultrasounds the entire second half of my pregnancy.  Constant reminders from the doctors that knots were random....it would not happen again.

Well as May 10 dawned I gave birth to Sophia Grace....and she not only had a knot in her umbilical cord she also had it wrapped tightly around her neck two times.....but God ordained for her to live.  I had spent my entire pregnancy praying for a baby to scream.  I wanted to hear my baby cry.  Well scream she did.  That little girl cried for about 3 years straight!  Praise God!  God used Sophia as an answer to a Mama's prayers and balm to a wounded soul.  I thought our story was over, but God was about to show off.

We wanted more kids so started trying right away.  It always took us a bit longer to have kids then we hoped.  After over 2 years of trying we found out we were pregnant again.....with twins.  They were due in the middle of March.  They would probably come early, the end of February or beginning of March......

Again they watched my pregnancy closely.  On February 9 after a day of shopping my feet were swollen to the size of tree trunks.  The doctor told me to come to the hospital.  My blood pressure had skyrocketed.  Baby A (Jackson) was breech....they needed to deliver the babies now.  They were going to do an emergency C-section.....So they started the C-section just before midnight and at 12:19 they pulled out Jackson and at 12:20 came Lydia.

It was February 10, 2006.

On the 5 year anniversary of losing our precious Matthew.....God lavished his grace on us with Jackson Halsey and Lydia Hope.  Only God.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised.

Tomorrow we will celebrate the gift of Jackson and Lydia....

Jackson is an athlete.  He plays basketball in a rec league and when he's not doing that he's playing basketball in our driveway.  He loves football.  He swims.  He runs cross country at school.  He's starting to play Ultimate Frisbee at school.  He is tall and strong and tough as nails. Jackson in winsome.  He reminds me so much of his Daddy.  People LOVE Jack. He makes them laugh.  He is nice.  He does rib.....at times a bit much.....but has such a sweetheart.  Jackson is LOUD.  He knows how to project his voice.  Jackson is brave.  He is the frog catcher.  Ladybug relocator.  Spider killer.  He is the one doing handstands in the middle of the dance floor....like literally....he does them.  He doesn't mind standing out....in fact he loves it.  He loves sugar and sour candy and soda.  He has such a sweet tooth.  He thinks history is interesting and doesn't love math.  He's a charmer!  He seeks forgiveness when he is wrong.  He is determined.  He is a leader.  He is a precious gift from God to our family.

Lydia is creative.  She makes things beautiful.  She loves to set a beautiful table.  She dresses with care and has an eye for cute accessories.  She is an amazing student and works very hard to do well in school.  Lydia is an expert at planning.  She will break big projects into sizable chunks and chip away at them.  She is tall and thin and soft spoken.  She is a faithful friend.  She will listen and help and include.  She has a quick and beautiful smile.  Lydia is an athlete: she runs and swims.  She is always a part of the playground games, a fierce competitor and according to her PE coach has uncanny skill at Capture the Flag.  Lydia loves roasted vegetables and homemade mac and cheese.  She likes truffles and olives.  She is a fabulous writer.  She is organized.  She is a leader.  She is a delight.  Lydia is a precious gift of God to our family.

God has been good to us.  I don't understand all that he has allowed but he does have a plan and I can attest....it is good.  It has been good.  It will be good.

PS  Andrew and Audrey if you are reading this.....please know you are gifts to our family as well.  I will blog about you both another day.....Blessings upon blessings