Saturday Ramblings.....

So I haven't written a rambling post in a while and one of my goals for the new year is to get back to blogging, so today I'm going to ramble.

I'll start by saying it feels so good to have everyone feeling well!  I've had some sick kiddos and honestly have not been feeling too well myself.  So hallelujah we are all well!!!

This morning dawned early.....well early-ish....It wasn't workweek early, which is 5:15, but it was Saturday early, which is 7:00.  Lydia had to be out the door headed to Greensboro by 7:30.  She and her friend Elenore are part of the team representing Eno River Academy in the Science Olympiad.  They are the, "Road Scholars".  So they have put many hours of study and training into preparing for todays competition and I'm hoping that they have a great time and do their best at the competition today!  Randy and Ellie's dad accompanied the girls!  I can't wait to hear about how it goes!

Sophia also had to be out relatively early....8:00....to get to DRIVER'S ED!!?!?!!  Class didn't start until 9:00, but I wanted to check out a bakery.....so we left at 8:00.

Durham has a lot of bakeries.....and I've only been to a few....so I made a list of ones I need to check out or check out again....I included a few in Hillsborough too since that is my new home away from home.....
If you guys know of any I need to add to my list please let me know!

Here is my list:
The French Corner Bakery
Ninth Street Bakery (have not been here but have had a lot of their products.....yummmm!)
Scratch
Guglhupf  (been here)
Loaf
Mad Hatter Cafe (been here)
Rise (been here)
Rose's Meat and Sweet Shop
All Day Cafe
Cup-A-Joe (been here)
Weaver Street (been here)

Today Sophia, Audrey, and I went to Loaf.  Jackson was still asleep, but I did bring home a little coffee cake for him to try.

Sophia got some fancy french named pastry that I can't pronounce and Maple View Farm chocolate milk.  That girl LOVES their chocolate milk.  She honestly did not love the pastry she chose.  She thought it would have a sweet glaze, but it was more of a honey glaze, and she is not a honey fan, so she just had a couple bites.  Audrey and I shared ours with her though!

Audrey got a classic chocolate croissant.  She devoured it before I could get a picture.  She also had the chocolate milk and she was very happy with her choice!

I got a raspberry chocolate pastry and coffee.  If I'm being honest, and I am, the coffee was ehhh.  It wasn't bad, but I also wouldn't go for the coffee.  In fact, I may bring my own next time.  However, the pastry was wonderful.  I would definitely go again for the pastry.  It was light and fluffy with a crispy crust.  Just a hint of chocolate, lemon, and raspberry.  It was sooooo good!  Yum, yum, yum!

The atmosphere was bustling.  It is literally a hole in the wall.  In fact, we almost missed it. I'm fairly certain they do not have seating, just counter service.  But so much was going on that it is possible I missed it!  Nonetheless, they are very close to the Parlor in Downtown Durham, and they do have outdoor seating there which would be lovely on a temperate day.   Loaf opened at 8:00 and we arrived at 8:00 there was already a line and we had to park a few streets away.  The staff was very helpful and friendly.  Perhaps the best part of the experience was the smell.  Oh. my. word.  They make their pastries right there in the shop and it smells wonderful.  Warm and doughy.  Perfect.  It was all in all a fabulous experience and I definitely would go again.

So......anyway......Sophia is taking drivers ed.  That is scary and awesome!  I do miss having a driver in the house!  Unfortunately, because our life is so crazy she has to take it privately and that means Saturday and Sunday all day for 2 weeks and then an additional Saturday.  Which also means she will miss the family trip to DC to see Andrew.  Boooo!  I may take her up another weekend because she really misses him and he's not coming home for spring break or this summer!  What am I going to do with that boy!  He just keeps right on growing up and heading out!  He did land a summer internship with The US House Financial Services Committee.  He is super siked about that and he is still working about 20 hours a week at Nike and got to talk to Kyrie Irving when he came into the store a few weeks ago so that was cool.  So this summer he plans to work, because he needs money and do his internship, so he should stay pretty busy!  He's also swimming for his schools intramural swim team and enjoying that.  He took time off all his events last week.  His relay team came in first.  So YAY!

Today feels like a gift.  February has been so full.  We've had birthday parties,

and super bowl parties,

and valentines, which at my house means a scavenger hunt.  I didn't do a scavenger hunt a couple years ago thinking the kids had probably outgrown it....they hadn't.  Talk about disappointment.


We've had 6th grade dances,

basketball, oh how I love basketball

and more birthday parties

and it has just been so busy!

Today feels lazy and slow and wonderful.  I do need to clean and I do have to run kids here and there and I have a couple gifts to buy and I have already picked up groceries....and gone to Goodwill to drop off things that have been riding around in the trunk of my car for about a month......but it just feels like a much more restful day.  I've already gotten to eat pastries, drink coffee, and blog.....Ahhhh


I may get a tattoo today.....maybe.

I might wait until summer....so I can wear flip flops while it heals.  My foot is already pretty jacked up so I don't have many shoe options that will work this time of year and I'm afraid tennis shoes would be too uncomfortable.....but I'm pretty sure this is happening sometime soonish.  My Mama is a tattoo artist.  Who knew!  She wrote it.  That way when I don't have her I will still have her handwriting......I have all these letters from my grandparents and I love them.  They are one of my very favorite things.....Its like a part of them left behind.


OH..... and speaking of goals.....another one of my goals was to read more books.  So far this year I've read two:

Unoffendable by Brant Henson......and that one was a game changer for me.....I should probably get that tattooed on my other foot.....or maybe my forehead....

and

Love Idol by Jennifer Dukes Lee.....which is about letting go of your need for approval and seeing yourself through God's eyes.  It was a book I had started about a year ago, and never finished.  I picked it up again and this time buzzed through it.  It was excellent!

Well....I think this qualifies as rambling......



Until next time,
Kim

February 10.....A Day that Changed my Life.....FOREVER

It's weird how one day can hold so many emotions.  This eve of February 10 I have spent some time reflecting back over the last 17 years since my world stopped turning.  It was 2001.  It was a time of joy and excitement.  We were expecting our second son.  I was 8 months pregnant.  The nursery was freshly painted, a lovely shade of powder blue.  The closet was lined with tiny baseball uniforms and blue onesies.  The shelves were stocked with diapers and the crib was setup.  We were expecting a baby.  A baby we had tried over a year to have.  Andrew was 3.  Randy and I were 25.

Then at a routine doctors appointment we were told the baby was a little small.  They monitored me closely for a few weeks.  The baby was growing, but slowly, very slowly.  I was put on strict bed rest.  Questioned about my drug and alcohol usage.  Told only to get up to go to the bathroom and I could shower twice a week.  Seriously?  Wow they were being strict.  I researched.  The Internet was invented back then.....so I poured over articles.  I was far enough along.  Our baby had over a 90% chance of survival.  Each day that number got higher.  So I followed the doctors orders.  After a few relaxing days, I got sore, very sore.  Its painful to lay all day....every day.  I prayed, I read the Bible, I researched, I talked on the phone.  I visited with sweet friends.  The days inched past and then one day I didn't feel the baby move....at all.  I knew as the baby got bigger there was less room for movement.  I knew that when the mother was still the baby was more restful, but I also knew when you were as pregnant as I was....you felt the baby move....I wasn't feeling anything.

My sister took me to the doctor that morning.  They found the baby's heartbeat.  Everything sounded fine.  I was sent home.  I still did not feel the baby move at all.  It was February 7.  Late that evening we called the doctor again.  He instructed us to go to the emergency room and that he would meet us there.  I was escorted immediately to labor and delivery.  The nurses searched for a heartbeat.  They couldn't find it.  Sometimes they could be tricky to find and babies liked to hide, they assured me.  Now I realize that is early on....they probably already knew he was gone....but I held on.....ever hopeful and clueless and naive.  An ultrasound was ordered and the baby was there!  I saw him.  He was big.  He looked normal, except the spot where his heart was, wasn't flashing.  He was dead.  The weight of that news hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was shocked.  I was devastated.  Hurry.  I wanted them to hurry.  Maybe they could revive him.  Nobody was rushing.  What was wrong with these people.  I was wailing.  Animal like sobs wrecked my body.  Randy made the horrible calls to let our parents know and our doctor, a funny Jewish man about my parents age sat and cried.  Dr. Fried, pronounced freed, sat with us for hours.  He answered every question I had....and I had a lot.

How will the baby get out of me?
labor

Will it hurt?
yes

When will I go into labor?
your body will go into labor naturally when it is ready.....I remember replying, "you mean I have to leave here pregnant and some random person on a bus is going to ask me when I'm due?" and I remember sobbing.  So worried about the pain of answering that question......Now it makes me laugh.  I don't ride buses and I didn't back then....but it was a real concern at the time!

Will you induce me?
Yes.

Today?
If you like.

Can you just knock me out and do a c-section?
No it will cause higher risks with future pregnancies.

Will I get to see the baby?
Yes.

What if I don't want to?
You don't have to....but we recommend that you do.

Will the baby look black and decayed or like a normal baby?
normal, but dead.

What will you do with the baby?
wrap him up, photograph him, weigh and measure and take footprints, and bring him to you.

Then what are you going to do just throw him away?
No.  We will release him to a funeral home and you can make arrangements.

What happened?

We don't know.

Does this happen a lot?
Not a lot but more then we wish.

They induced labor that night, it was a Wednesday.  Contractions started on Thursday.  Labor was in full swing on Friday.  Then around noon on Saturday, February 10 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  It was so quiet.  You could here a pin drop.  There was no rushing around.  No newborn cries....the only sounds came from me.....wailing for the baby I wanted so badly.

From Wednesday night until Saturday I had one prayer.  I prayed with 100% certainty that God could answer.  I prayed for the God who raised children from the dead to raise mine.  I prayed for a shred of life.  I prayed for a miracle.  God in his providence said no.  That day a journey of brokenness and healing began that in some ways continues still today.

We named him Matthew, it means a gift from God.  He has been a gift.

The healing has come slowly.  God has been faithful.  I do feel like we have a hole in our family....I really wish I was celebrating his 17 birthday tomorrow.  Sometimes when I stranger asks me how many kids I have and my kids ages....I'll rattle them off....Andrew-20, Matthew-17, Sophia-14, Jackson and Lydia-12, and our baby Audrey is almost 11. I'll include him....just for fun....he did exist....I don't tell them the story....but I don't leave him out.  With people I know I usually just say 5 kids.....it's simpler.  No matter how I answer it seems wrong.

We did find out the reason he died was because he had a "true knot" in his umbilical cord.  It had tightened as he grew and it cut off nutrients, thus causing him to grow poorly and eventually die.  They promised it would never happen again.  Except they were wrong.

The knot did not kill Matthew.  God ordained....with thought and consideration for Matthew to die....and he named it good.  They were also wrong because it did happen again.  After over a year of trying we finally found out we were expecting again.  This time a little girl.  My first girl.  I was so excited....and absolutely terrified.  The doctors watched my pregnancy like a hawk.  Weekly ultrasounds the entire second half of my pregnancy.  Constant reminders from the doctors that knots were random....it would not happen again.

Well as May 10 dawned I gave birth to Sophia Grace....and she not only had a knot in her umbilical cord she also had it wrapped tightly around her neck two times.....but God ordained for her to live.  I had spent my entire pregnancy praying for a baby to scream.  I wanted to hear my baby cry.  Well scream she did.  That little girl cried for about 3 years straight!  Praise God!  God used Sophia as an answer to a Mama's prayers and balm to a wounded soul.  I thought our story was over, but God was about to show off.

We wanted more kids so started trying right away.  It always took us a bit longer to have kids then we hoped.  After over 2 years of trying we found out we were pregnant again.....with twins.  They were due in the middle of March.  They would probably come early, the end of February or beginning of March......

Again they watched my pregnancy closely.  On February 9 after a day of shopping my feet were swollen to the size of tree trunks.  The doctor told me to come to the hospital.  My blood pressure had skyrocketed.  Baby A (Jackson) was breech....they needed to deliver the babies now.  They were going to do an emergency C-section.....So they started the C-section just before midnight and at 12:19 they pulled out Jackson and at 12:20 came Lydia.

It was February 10, 2006.

On the 5 year anniversary of losing our precious Matthew.....God lavished his grace on us with Jackson Halsey and Lydia Hope.  Only God.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised.

Tomorrow we will celebrate the gift of Jackson and Lydia....

Jackson is an athlete.  He plays basketball in a rec league and when he's not doing that he's playing basketball in our driveway.  He loves football.  He swims.  He runs cross country at school.  He's starting to play Ultimate Frisbee at school.  He is tall and strong and tough as nails. Jackson in winsome.  He reminds me so much of his Daddy.  People LOVE Jack. He makes them laugh.  He is nice.  He does rib.....at times a bit much.....but has such a sweetheart.  Jackson is LOUD.  He knows how to project his voice.  Jackson is brave.  He is the frog catcher.  Ladybug relocator.  Spider killer.  He is the one doing handstands in the middle of the dance floor....like literally....he does them.  He doesn't mind standing out....in fact he loves it.  He loves sugar and sour candy and soda.  He has such a sweet tooth.  He thinks history is interesting and doesn't love math.  He's a charmer!  He seeks forgiveness when he is wrong.  He is determined.  He is a leader.  He is a precious gift from God to our family.

Lydia is creative.  She makes things beautiful.  She loves to set a beautiful table.  She dresses with care and has an eye for cute accessories.  She is an amazing student and works very hard to do well in school.  Lydia is an expert at planning.  She will break big projects into sizable chunks and chip away at them.  She is tall and thin and soft spoken.  She is a faithful friend.  She will listen and help and include.  She has a quick and beautiful smile.  Lydia is an athlete: she runs and swims.  She is always a part of the playground games, a fierce competitor and according to her PE coach has uncanny skill at Capture the Flag.  Lydia loves roasted vegetables and homemade mac and cheese.  She likes truffles and olives.  She is a fabulous writer.  She is organized.  She is a leader.  She is a delight.  Lydia is a precious gift of God to our family.

God has been good to us.  I don't understand all that he has allowed but he does have a plan and I can attest....it is good.  It has been good.  It will be good.

PS  Andrew and Audrey if you are reading this.....please know you are gifts to our family as well.  I will blog about you both another day.....Blessings upon blessings