The Mother Load: Oops.....AKA Day 14.....

Oops....I forgot to blog everyday! That is kind of a good title for today's blog anyway. That was my initial reaction when we found out we were expecting Miss Audrey. You see I was at home with 5 month old twins, and on birth control, with an ear infection and feeling very nauseous the day I found out. I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I called my friend who worked at a doctors office to ask if an antibiotic could mess up a pregnancy test.....she said no....but it could mess up your birth control. So glad God messed up my plans! Audrey has been the cherry on top of our family!

April 2, 2007 around 8:30 pm Audrey Faith Stewart was born. There was no labor. No contractions. Just sterile, surgical, precision. They sliced flesh and life emerged. Small. sick. early. It was not the delivery I'd dreamed of. None of mine were. I never got to just go into labor and rush to the hospital and have a baby. Always complications. Always an emergency. Always drama.....Ahhh....such is life!

I didn't get to hold her....they whisked her away. She was sick. Fever. Lethargic. 6 weeks early. The doctors rushed in around 2:00 am. Could they do a spinal tap? Please sign here. Yes it was absolutely necessary. Yes it would hurt. I scrawled my name. I cried a little and fell asleep. Oh, the mercy of sleep.

Audrey spent her first two weeks of life in a clear, hard, hospital bassinet. Needles in her wrist to deliver the necessary antibiotics. Her arms splinted to protect her from herself ripping the needles out. Tubes in her nose to feed her.

My poor baby girl.
The doctor had forgotten to treat her for Group B Strep, I was a carrier. She was sick. It was an accident. The doctor was human. His wife and son had just been in a terrible accident. One died the other lived....but was broken....very broken. He was doing his job. He messed up. He messed up badly.....But can't we all use a bit of mercy?

Those first two weeks were hard. Sweet Audrey had to nurse every three hours around the clock. The nurses could feed her, but what mother spilling milk and tears and fear can let the nurses feed her baby? What kind of mother leaves her baby at the hospital? I should have insisted on staying. I'd left a baby before. Matthew. He was dead, but still.....I left him. There is nothing quite as terrible as walking into a hospital filled with life and walking out empty. I should have thrown a fit. That is what I told myself. But I didn't. I left. Yet life is real. Responsibilities are too. Sometimes you can't be everything to everyone no matter how badly you wish you can. I had 13 month old twins at home, and a four year old, and a 9 year old. I had a husband that had to work. I was healing from a C-section. So....we made do. We did the best we could. The schedule 5,8,11,2,5,8,11,2......

My Daddy and Mama would go and feed her each morning at 5 in the morning.....for two weeks.
Then my Mother-in-law would go and feed her at 8:00 each morning. I would go at 11 and at 2 and my mom would watch my other kids. What a wonderful blessing my family, both sides, were to me! Then the whole family, Randy and the kids and I, would go at 5. I would go back at 8, alone and cry. I wanted to bring my baby home! Then those sweet nurses would feed her at 11 and 2 each night, so we could sleep and do it again tomorrow. It's such a blur now.....but I remember that happy day she got to finally come home! She had to pass her car seat test first. To make sure she could breathe in a car seat for 30 minutes. She passed! She got to come home April 16.....my Mother-in-laws birthday....was Audrey's coming home day!