Nerdy

My Granny.....I just can't imagine life without her.  I had laid down for a nap on Sunday after visiting with Granny.  I drifted off to sleep and then I jumped awake with a panic.  Granny is dying.  She is going to be gone.  I just don't want her to die.  Even a long life....a full life.....seems so tragically short now.  In the past I would have nursed my pain with a big ole bowl of ice cream and stayed in bed....but instead I jumped up, I ran 3 miles, I cried my eyes out, prayed, and came home and measured out a half a cup of ice cream and watched my kids and my man play teatherball.  Learning to feel the pain.  Learning to let it out not stuff it inside. 

Granny always has had a word of encouragement.  She loved that I home schooled.  She was a spitfire!  I got it honest!  She was always a joker.  Every family gathering featured a new joke from Granny.   She was a self-described "yellow dog democrat".   Always had a kind word.  She loves me and I love her. I remember visiting them as a little girl in the big, white, farm house with the pretty crystal doorknobs.  I remember her yummy hot cereal.  I remember playing "hide the rock."  I remember our special nickname, "nerdy".  Ohh.... I just don't want to say goodbye.  Yet time is nearing. 

I think I may have heard her voice for the last time on Friday.  She quietly with tears in her eyes named each of her grandchildren and children and told those of us present how much she loved us and that she wanted us to know "whether we are on the track team or not (that is a whole other story)....she is so proud of us."  She then told us to make sure we passed the message along to those not there.  She is still alive but she hasn't really been awake for a few days.   What a blessing to have her speak such loving words of affirmation over us.  It will be a moment I will cherish for a lifetime. 

Another precious snapshot of this time will be of my Papa laying on a cot sleeping beside Granny's hospice bed.  67 years of marriage and still together.  Papa has been Granny's roommate from rehab, to the hospital, and on to hospice.  He loves Granny.  He is always by her side. 

And my Mama has shown me again about love.  She is faithfully by her mothers side day in and day out.  She gives Granny sips of Coke.  She even ran out and got Granny a Starbucks coffee when Granny decided she wanted to try, "one of those fancy coffees Mama drinks."  She talks to Granny.  She makes sure Granny is getting excellent care.  She juggles all the questions from us about how Granny is.  She washes Granny's face. She lines up people to sit with Granny when she isn't able to.   She has loved and cared for Granny so well.  She has sacrificed ENORMOUSLY of her time, and done so with such grace.  She quoted a dear friend of hers who has been through losing her mother and said, "you only get one shot at this and I want to do it well."  Well she has done it well.  Very well. 

It hurts.  This feels like a long and slow goodbye.  However, it is not really goodbye.  It's just goodbye for now.  Granny is a believer.  So there will be a joyous reunion one day.  In the meantime.  I will miss her.