Audrey

 Friday, December 18th was an exciting day at our house.  It was the last day of school for the semester.  I love last days of school as much as the kids do.  Last days mean rest, they mean a break, they mean no alarms, they mean time with family.  I was pumped!  I went to school early.  I only had a half day!  My class had a "virtual class party" with hot cocoa, crafts, movie, game, and gifts. It was fun.  I told the kids goodbye and how excited I was to see them in the new year.  I have the BEST class this year.  They are smart, kind, funny, and their parents rock! I AM excited to see them in the new year.  I am ready for life to get back to normal and see them in the classroom too!  

Anyway, I quickly finished up at school and headed home.  I had a party to prepare for.  One of my kids was having a handful of buddies over to hang out and I was helping prep for that and I was preparing for the big Stewart Christmas party that I was hosting on Saturday.  It was a fun evening and Randy and I ended the evening with a house full of laughing teens and a fun game of Dutch Blitz with Audrey.  After the house cleared out we did a quick partial cleanup, deciding to leave what we could to the morning.  It was late and we were tired, so we all went to sleep.  Tomorrow was going to be a full and fun day.  At least that was the plan.

Then early Saturday morning, it was 5:40 to be exact, we were roused by Audrey coming in our room crying.  Her shoulder was out of socket.  Unfortunately this happens to Audrey a lot.  Several years ago she was playing flag football and dove for the ball landing hard on the shoulder and that caused it to pop out.  Over the years it has happened more and more.  Sometimes rough housing with friends, sometimes playing volleyball, and unfortunately sometimes just stretching her arm to reach for something.  She's been to the doctor and she has gone to PT and it still keeps happening.  Usually she can pop it back herself, but this time she couldn't.  I was just becoming aware of what was going on and getting up to help her and she said something like, "I think I'm going to pass out".  Then we heard a slam.  It was loud.

It happened fast.  Randy reached her first and found her flat on her face with her arms by her side.  He rolled her over and she was crying.  Her shoulder had popped back in when she fell.  There was blood on her face. She was writhing in pain.  I threw on clothes, grabbed my phone, a water, and my wallet and Randy carried her to the car and we went to the emergency room.  We were there by 6:00.

They had us in a room by 6:05 and we had the best doctors, nurses, transport team.  Literally every single person we had was wonderful.  And my sweet, baby, girl Audrey is so brave and so sweet and so other centered.  She is precious.  The doctors immediately knew she would need facial sutures.  They immediately knew she would need dental work.  We still do not know the extent but we do know that several of her teeth are chipped and her teeth are not aligned. They also knew she would be referred to an orthopedic surgeon to figure out what to do about her shoulder.  They said we can't have her shoulder continuing to come out of socket, even while she is sleeping.  What they didn't know immediately was the extent of the damage done to her face, so they needed to do a CT scan.  Her jaw and her ear were killing her.  

Unfortunately, when she fell she fractured her jaw bone, in two places.  She had fractured the mandible and the styloid process which is part of the temporal joint.  It is like a little spike that goes down to the ear.  That explained her ear and jaw pain.  The good news was that there were no cranial injuries.  Praise the Lord!  They started her on some morphine and stitched her chin while we waited for the plastic surgeon to come down to consult.  That is when Audrey started crying.

She had cried some from the injury, but this was crying from the fear and emotion of it all.  We prayed and tried to rest and talked to Nanny and Pa and Daddy and brothers and sisters on facetime.  Then we had more good news.  There were fractures along the entire length of both bones, but neither bone had been "shortened" or "displaced".  They were held perfectly in position.  Thank you Lord for holding things together when life slams everything apart.  Audrey will not need facial reconstruction!  Thank you Lord!  The bad news was she could not chew for 6 weeks.  The surgeon was going to consult with some colleagues on whether or not to wire her mouth shut.  Children are typically not wired and adults are.  She is at the in between spot between kid and adult, so they were going to have to discuss.

Through all of this trauma Audrey kept charming the hospital staff.  They loved her and she loved them.  Audrey is such an other centered child.  Barely able to move her mouth and in tremendous pain and fearful of what her day held she engaged the transport nurse about her job and her life.  She complemented another nurse on her bandana.  She had the doctors laughing as she joked about how of course she would be the one to fall flat on her face the first day of her Christmas break.  She kept telling me how nice everyone was.  

The surgeon came back with more good news.  They were not going to wire her jaw shut, but we had to be very careful to follow the eating instructions.  She assured us it would not be difficult for the first 3-4 weeks because she would not be able to move her jaw.  She said it would be hard for the last couple weeks because she will feel better, be hungry, and feel like she can handle it.  We were given a long list of follow up instructions and sent home and now is the time for the healing.  It will take 6 weeks.  She is very swollen, but surprisingly not bruised.  I'm calling today to setup a dentist appointment, an orthodontic appointment, a follow-up with her pediatrician, an appointment to have her stitches removed, an appointment for plastic surgery follow-up, and an appointment for the orthopedic surgeon to consult on her shoulder.  Not how we planned to spend our Christmas break, but God has been good to allow it to unfold this way.  I'm off work.  She's off school.  We aren't getting behind on anything.  We can just focus on getting Audrey well.  I'm so thankful for that. 

Its also been so sweet to see the outpouring of love and prayers and friendship.  Audrey is so loved.  She's been inundated with calls and messages from friends.  She's been given sweet and thoughtful gifts.  Smoothie gift cards, a gift card to her favorite place ever: Chick-fil-a, homemade hot chocolate bombs.....so much love and care it is really overwhelming.  She has friends sending packages, T-shirts, cards, planning visits.  She is so well cared for.  It makes my heart happy to see how well she is loved.  

I'm also blessed by her sweet attitude.  Once in a while I'll look at her and she will be quietly crying.  She is hurt.  She is overwhelmed and disappointed at how she will be spending her break.  She is sad we had to cancel the Stewart Christmas.  However, she is not having a pity party.  She is soaking in the love of others.  She is constantly telling me she is ok and she doesn't want special treatment.  She won't take up her Daddy's offer to let her have his spot in my bed.  She just wants to be treated normal.  She doesn't want all this focus, she said it makes her think about it and it hurts.  She is starting to smile and laugh a little, which is very painful as it moved that jaw area, but it is also a glimpse of her.  She is always smiling and laughing.  So while we are trying to keep it to a minimum, we are so happy to see glimmers of our Audrey.

A couple other things that have been good on this journey is our medical team.  We have the best pediatrician in the WORLD.  Dr. Fisher went out of his way when he was not even on call, late at night to get Audrey the pain relief that she needed.  I love him.  Dr. Fisher was my doctor and Randy's100 years ago and has been my kids doctor for the last almost 23 years and he is amazing.  He went above and beyond the call of duty.

And.... our orthodontist Dr. Smith.  He has been amazing.  He is supposed to be on break and he has given me his personal cell.  He has told me to call or text and he will meet us as soon as she is able to open her mouth enough to be examined.  He's tracked down her CT and looked at it.  He has consulted with other collogues.  He's given me advice on her oral hygiene care while she heals,  He has encouraged her after seeing photos.  She is very concerned about her teeth.  She cares a lot about her teeth and has always taken very good care of them.  She can tell they are messed up from the alignments and the chipping and that bothers her a lot.  Dr. Smith is optimistic and this is helping to alleviate Audrey's fears.  I think he is the best!

I wanted to chronical this to remember.  I want to remember God's mercy and care even when he allows bad things.  I wanted to remember how kind and loving strangers, doctors, friends, and family have been to us in our suffering.  I wanted to remember my tough, sweet girl and how well she suffers.  I wanted to let people know how they can pray.

The Most Defining Day of my Life

February 10....what a date.  No date has been as impactful a day in my life as February 10.  Most people know my story, but for those that do not, February 10 was the day 19 years ago that my heart broke in two.  It's one of those dates that marks time.  Life before Matthew and life after Matthew.  Randy and I were babies.  We were just 25 years old.  We were young and happy and Andrew was 2 years old and we were so excited about our second little boy.  We had planned for him.  We had celebrated him.  We had painted the third bedroom blue, setup the crib, washed the baby clothes, written the thank notes.  We were just waiting.  Just a couple more weeks and our family of 3 would be a family of 4. 
You see my whole life all I wanted was to grow up, become an elementary school teacher, get married, and have a LOT of babies.  Like a LOT.  At least 5, but 7 might be better.  Then one day I realized my baby wasn't kicking anymore.  I was on bed rest, so I wasn't too busy to notice.  I was focusing very closely, I was waiting for any movement......nothing.  I called the doctor.  My sister picked me up and took me to check.  Randy was at work, and it was last minute.  I assured him Stacy could take me.  Whew, we heard the heartbeat.  It sounded good.  I was so relieved.   The nurses reassured me that the baby would not move as much, because I was so close to term.......so I went home and waited, and waited, and waited.  He still had not moved once that night.  Not one time.  I'd been pregnant before, I knew babies slowed down close to their due date, but Matthew was not moving.....at all.  It was late, but Randy was scheduled to leave on a business trip the next morning.  So we called the doctor on call.  He told us to meet him at the hospital.  We hurriedly packed a bag, deposited Andrew at Nanny's, and we headed to the hospital.  They got us right back.  They searched for a heartbeat.....they kept searching.  They said sometimes heartbeats could be tricky to find.  I realize now, the nurses probably knew at this point, because heartbeats are not tricky to find this late in the game.  Nonetheless, I was blissfully ignorant.  It had literally never crossed my sweet innocent mind that my baby could be dead.  I thought maybe he was sick or in distress, but not once had I considered that he was dead.  They ordered an ultrasound and we all immediately saw the baby.  He was there!  I saw him.  But the nurse said his heart is not beating.  What?  The screen wasn't flashing.  It was still.  Not beating. Impossible.  My next thought was HURRY!  Get him out!  Fix him!  Save him!  What was wrong with these people?  Nobody was trying to save my baby.  It was too late.  He was already dead.  That moment was a defining moment in my life.  Innocence was lost.  Life would never be the same.

Then came the wailing.  I did not even know I could cry so many tears. 

Then the questions.  I had so many question....
How will he get out of me?
Labor.
How will I go into labor if my baby is dead?
You will still naturally go into labor, or we can induce labor now.
Will it hurt like regular labor?
Yes.
Will it take as long as regular labor?
It may take longer, because it's a little early and your body may need some coaxing.
Can you just knock me out and do a C-section?
No.  It can cause problems with future pregnancies.
What happened?
We don't know.  We may be able to find out after he is born.
Will it happen to me again?
We don't know it depends on what happened.
Are you going to just throw him away?
No.  We will release his body to the funeral home.
Will he be rotted?
No.
Will he look deformed?
No, he will look like a baby.
Can I see him?
Yes
Can I touch him?
Yes
Do I have too?
No, but you should.

Oh.  My.  Word.  Why was this happening?

They induced labor that night.  It was very late on a Wednesday. I was admitted to the hospital.  Then I labored all day Thursday and Friday and finally gave birth around lunch on Saturday, February 10.  I was surrounded by happiness, and newborn baby cries, flowers, and balloons, and joy.  I gave birth to death.  It was quiet, except for my sobs.  He was tiny, and perfect, and beautiful, and real, and dead.  We named him Matthew.  It means A Gift from God.  I held him.  Randy held him and our families held him.  We wept.  We prayed.  I kissed him.  I bathed him with my tears.  I literally wondered if I would survive.  The nurses took pictures of him and gave me a box of mementos.  Which included a little outfit he had worn and footprints.  Then a few hours later, they wheeled me to the door of the hospital I was fat and sore and empty and holding a little box.  My arms ached for a baby. 
Its all a blur after that.  The next day I sat at the circus.  We'd bought tickets before all this happened and didn't want Andrew to be sad.  So we sat through a circus and I remember thinking;  These people have no idea my baby just died.  Then a couple days later, I went to my babies funeral.  There was this tiny white casket, and I kept thinking this is messed up.  Caskets should not be so small.  We sang, "It is Well with my Soul" and we went home.

Then began the slow and weird and lonely process of healing from a loss not quiet real enough for people to understand.  I mourned deeper than I imagined for a child I never knew.  How could I love someone I didn't know, so much?

Time brought answers.  Matthew died from a knot in his umbilical cord.  The doctors assured us that would never happen again.  Time also brought more babies.  We had Sophia, and having her was a balm for my wounded soul.  God however revealed to me through my pregnancy with Sophia, that what the doctors said did not affect what happened.  My pregnancy with Sophia was followed very closely by doctors.  And nonetheless Sophia was born with a knot in her umbilical cord, and it was wrapped around her neck twice.  God for whatever reason had willed for Matthew to die and for Sophia to live.  I'll never understand the entirety of why.....but this I know.  Both Matthew's death and Sophia's life were a part of God's plan for our family, and God calls all of his plans good.  He measured it out, he weighed the cost, and he allowed for Matthew to die and for Sophia to live.  The doctors were wrong.  It did happen again and they were also wrong about the cord....the knot did not cause Matthew die....because God could have saved him.  God allowed Matthew to die.  That is not an easy pill to swallow.  It hurts and it contrary to what I would desire.....but the alternate is life is random.  God is not in control.  Things just happen for no reason....and that I just can't believe. 

So I was busy being a mom and very pregnant with twins.  I thought I had learned the lessons of Matthew's life.  I was enjoying being a mom.  About a month before the twins were due, after a busy day of shopping, my feet were as big as tree trunks.  Like literally humongous.  Because of my pregnancy history and the fact I was having twins the doctors kept very close tabs on me.  I checked my blood pressure at home.  It was very high.  The doctor wanted me to meet him at the hospital and pack a bag.  It was late, on February 9.  When I arrived they realized the babies needed to be born now.  My blood pressure was too high they needed to do an emergency C-section right now. They prepped me for surgery and wheeled me back just after midnight. Jackson and Lydia were born healthy and screaming in the wee hours of February 10.  I looked at Randy and said do you know what today is? 

Friends, God is in the details.  5 years to the day after giving birth to Matthew in the very same hospital I gave birth to Jackson and Lydia.  God took a date that was very difficult and sad and he in his goodness redeemed it.  So now February 10 is not just a sad day.  It is a day we can celebrate the goodness of God and the precious gifts of Jackson and Lydia.  I agree with Job, "God gives, and God takes away.  May the name of the Lord be praised."

I don't think I'll every be done learning the lessons of Matthew or motherhood, or heartache.  But I can tell you this.  Matthew's death was for my good.  God has used it to sanctify me over and over and over again.  I wish I had gotten to raise all 6 kids.  I wish I was making him a cake and he was coming home from college to celebrate with us, but I'm glad God loves me enough to do what is best, even when it doesn't seem best.  It's been 19 years.  I could have raised that beautiful boy in the time its been since I held him in my arms.  I miss him.  I wish I had gotten to know him. I'm so thankful I can celebrate Jackson and Lydia this weekend.  I'm so glad God has given my hearts desire; a husband, and a job teaching 2nd graders, and LOTS of children.  I can't wait to see Matthew again in heaven and hear what it was like to grow up with Jesus.  I can say in all honesty that Matthew lived up to his name.  He has indeed been a gift from God.  Happy Birthday in heaven.