People that know me well at all know that this time of year I become somewhat more introspective and have a tendency to get a bit melancholy. I think it is the weather. It's chilly and I want to stay warm. It's gray and I want the sunshine. I think it is the newness. A new year. Fresh beginnings. It reminds me of the beginning of a new school year. Sharp crayons. Pointy pencils. New erasers.....Uhmmmm....
So this time of year finds me trying to formulate exactly how to make this year the best year. I want to exercise more. I want to manage my money better. I want to make more time for relationships that matter. I want to be more faithful in my devotionals. I want to lose weight. I want to eat healthy. I want to be wiser. Speak more truth....but do it gently. I want to read more books and watch less television. I want to bake homemade cookies and buy less junk food. I want to train my children in their quiet times and I want to focus on their hearts. I want to be the best wife and mom and teacher and friend and person I can be.....Really. I do. And I want to be and do all of this in a really lovely and stylish outfit with my hair fixed just right and nice makeup and accessories and my whole sweet family is by my side in coordinating outfits and smiling and I'm thin....very, very thin.
Perfect! That's what I want to be this year.....and I'm not...and I won't be. So knowing this can be a bit disappointing.
It's the first day of the year. I didn't even exercise yet....and it is the FIRST day of the year! How can I miss the first day?!? I did play a game with my kids. I visited with my parents and brother's family. We broke bread and celebrated the new year and my Dad's birthday. We took a walk and looked at my brothers new house. I read some. I bought a gift. I slept late. I spent a long time in the Word. I took a bubble bath. I ate cheesecake.....on the FIRST day of the year. Smh. I'm a mess I tell you. I'm a total and absolute mess! I want to be good and do right but I don't! Now it's almost bedtime. I'm writing. I should be walking. But the girls are playing so sweet and the boys are still with my brother. It's quiet and peaceful....
I've been reading in Colossians this month. Do you know what Colossians is about? Its about a lot of stuff. It's about the importance of knowing God's Word so you don't fall after false teachers. It's about living as a Christian. It's about being complete and full in Christ. He wants to fill us. How awesome is that? Colossians has been medicine to my soul.
I also started reading this awesome book, "Love Idol Letting go of your need for approval-and seeing yourself through God's eyes" by Jennifer Dukes Lee. These two are a double whammy right to my heart!
So all this truth is coming into my messed up perfectionist self and this is what I'm thinking. I really don't want to be perfect. I really don't. Who can relate and love and be with a perfect person? They are annoying anyway. I'm going to choose real over perfect. My flesh battles against me. It wants both. To be REALly perfect? What I want most this year is to be more sanctified. That's what I really, really, really, really want and I can't go buy it. I can't open it up like a gift. I want to be there. I don't just want to be there. I want my kids and Randy to be there too. Yet here we are. Sinners living in a household of other sinners. I have a feeling it will be another year in the process. Just like the past years. Some good days. Some bad days. Some beautiful days. Some ugly days. Yet growing. Moving forward. It's the daily. It's the growth. It's long. It's annoying. It's frustrating. Yet there is hope. HE is enough every day. HE is enough to fill us all up. Totally and completely. Where we fail...... HE does not. Where we disappoint......HE will not. Where we are weak...HE is strong. Where we are not enough...HE IS SUFFICIENT.
So this new year has begun and the busy is coming quickly. Schools almost back in session. There will be little lives hungry to learn and grow and play and make a mess and talk and share ideas and events and germs and noise. I want to love them. I want to teach them. I want to shower them with grace. I want to do it just right. BUT I WON'T. There will be homework and dinner and bedtime and baths and laundry and dishes and groceries and games and errands and meets and events. I want each to be special and complete and memorable. BUT THEY WON'T BE. There will be old friends and new friends and family and strangers and our lives are going to race through another beautiful, painful, wonderful, messy, perfectly crazy year. I hope at the end I'm a bit more like him. I've had a bit more of the ugly chipped away. My hungry heart is a bit fuller of HIS completeness. That is my hope for me and for mine and for you and for yours.
Happy New Year! I hope this is a year of love and growth and precious memories for you all!
Kim
